我要一步一步往上爬在最高点乘着叶片往前飞

2010-11-14T21:09:00.003+08:00

long time no blog!

gosh look at the cobwebs xD

ok been very very busy over very very hectic schedule, or just that my time planning really cannot make it hahah.. Rushing projects from deadline to deadline, clearing assignments until the last day before submission, handling all the shits people give to each other, you name it its just an ordinary day in NUS.. And really, the last few months saw the most active and regretfully the upheaval of the ugly side of the Singapore society.. Maybe its the sociology module I took this semester, but I paid extra attention into forums this year, different ones including Yahoo!, TemasekReview etc etc.. What I thought was the feelings of frustrations pouring out online was of a surprisingly high level, but knowing Singaporeans, all talk no action and the outcome is pretty obvious isn't it?

And gangs seem to be of much interest these few days, news cover gangs on increased volumes for the past weeks or so... I remember seeing a NEA advise on public against contact with wild monkeys by saying, "Avoid provokation of wild monkeys by not staring them in the eyes." Sounds familiar, eh? Singaporeans are just another bunch of monkeys at the end of the day hahah..

Yawns, what a hectic semester! Was unwell this weekend, gotta recover fast for the exams, Stanchart Marathon and reservist! drats.. This is bad =/ and hunny isn't back from Batam yet, been waiting for the safely-reach-home call all night already..

2010-09-12T22:18:00.002+08:00

yesterday was a scary day..

wasnt feeling very normal cos had a great night before celebrating wing's birthday at glasshouse fish and co, the cam-whoring sessions and the laugh-out-loud-until-head-pain time at MINDS cafe.. Supposedly the day after it will be happy happy, but ended up more like a hangover =/

It's just this sudden overwhelmed feeling, something like an ocean tide pushing hard against your chest and your legs are not touching the seabed.. The sudden realisation of the amount of stuffs in your hands waiting to be cleared, and it all boiled over when an afternoon spent struggling with a single tutorial assignment, due coming Tues... Naturally my mood wasnt the best, girlgirl went worrying for me when I couldnt fall asleep even though I have to wake up 345am for AHM later.. True it's not the first time, but the surge is unusually huge this time round.. What happen?

I found my answers on the running route during AHM.. Kinda struggled, 'cos never trained well at all, plus the hours logged in to studies I've been neglecting my running shoes long enough.. I was running with 2 friends, and I didnt take long to find myself running alone due to the lack of stamina.. Then I rediscovered my motivation on why I starting running in these events.. It wasnt for the medals, finisher tees, vouchers, but it's for the strengthening of the determination to see through even the strongest odds.. The desire to push through the breathlessness, pain in the knee, stitch attack, exhaustion to carry on running rekindled a fire within me.. The fire that suddenly glowed into life at the end of 2007, which gave me the 'Keep on Running' mentality, admittedly faded over the past 1 year or so.. Am I complacent? Am I content with life? Have I forgotten why I started running in the first place? Quite phenomenally, I was a different person after the race...

That was when I regained the much-needed focus that I badly had to acquire for the tough semester this year.. I wasnt as scared when I came back home, took a well-enjoyed nap despite the hot weather and managed to solve the homework that I struggled so pathetically yesterday...

Power of the motivation? Never underestimate it =)

2010-08-22T21:33:00.002+08:00

Really long time no blog..

From the previous post til now, tremendous amount of happenings occured, its impossible to type out everything in my mind, positive or negative.. But certainly many new friends were made, and life has just gotten rather colourful =) Of course i still remember the double slip-ups during the rag dance itself, which was very regrettable but then whats done is done.. oh wells and now being the upcoming vice ( if it really happen ) of fow '11, rag dance seems kinda impossible... see how la ah hahah..

And i dont really like this semester, especially the modules hahah.. The EE modules can be quite challenging, really needs alot mental strength to get through this semester.. Hopefully this mario bunch can stick through this as a whole, the cracks sometimes so visible it is very infuriating how ignorant and stupid the actions human do to each other.. Oh wells just gotta focus on my own progress =/

Its not that i lost interest in blogging, juzscreamnshoutok will always be a special place among the millions and millions of webpages in the Internet, but its just that having met a special someone, blogging just havta move a step back in terms of priority and hopefully, I can make insightful posts in the future.. So for now, perhaps a break while i readjust my focus =)

but rest assured, i'm quite happy carrying on living and looking forward to everyday life =)

2010-07-24T21:39:00.002+08:00

been awhile since i've blogged.. and i must shout out this,

"PLEASE DONT LET ME BECOME SHORTER JUST BECAUSE ALICIA FELL ON MY HEAD!!"

whewww ok...

what a month! tiring but rewarding, but at the same time worrying about spending time at home etc etc... everything in life isnt really perfect; there's always a flip side to everything.. Spending time in school does helps, especially since I'm learning new stuffs or doing activities that had never crossed my mind, like dance performances and until recently, cheerleading (ouch my neck) ... But it means not having meals with family, missing out playtime, losing abit of touch with secondary school friends, having less sleep etc.. For the next two weeks, endure!! hahaha

been so tired recently too, and helping out the committee suddenly seemed such a mountain to climb... Feels bad cant really help girl much as i wanted to, cos the energy level is still very low.. and the sudden sore thoart was quite a shock, as it's normally followed by a fever... Thank gawd no fever still hahah.. For the orientation event and girlgirl, endure!! hahaha

and being tired makes you search deeper within your feelings.. how to explain? i guess is really instead of asking stuffs like, "yay i'm happy =) " , "hmmmm why am i so happy?", it's more towards pondering whether "am i happy now? or am i hiding emotionals underneath?" or feeling the unexpected surge of emotional feelings when you are just stoning, resting from exhaustion.. yesterday in a cab, i was so tired my head started spinning out questions like

"Oh man, this is bad... how i continue balancing dance, FOW etc etc..?"
A: k lah that one, just endure loh hahaha

"Where's the last time I took a cab alone?"
Which kinda reminds me of my late father..

miss sitting in his cab after a tiring day in school,
miss all the family outings that started from a Citycab Premier,
miss being so reliant on his cab to bring me around SG 'cos i noe i wouldnt get lost..

so tired in the cab, i can't get myself loose from all the constant thoughts that pouring into the brains... but as i msged girlgirl that day, "a smile makes a happy occasion even happier, but the impact is bigger during stressful times.."

i think i smiled in the cab hahaha.. guess the cab driver was rather amused by my stupid grin lol

For life, family and friends, endure!! hahaha

2010-07-06T01:23:00.002+08:00

Camp Law states that in every camp, sure got cock up one.... nice one Jaws hahahah

"It takes forever to plan out FOC, but only 4 days and everything is over.." another frequent remark I made during the camp, which I finds it rather true..

Today's final debrief marks the almost 7 months' worth of hard work preparing for FOC, Freshman Orientation Camp 2010.. Made quite alot of new friends, widen my scope of learning about human inter-relations... OK that previous remark makes me sound rather unhuman hahaha, but honestly, the only one mystery that puzzles me is how we interact with each other in our daily lives, cooperating for a major project or in an organising committee for camps etc etc.. It never fails to amaze myself on the amount of new stuffs that I can learn every single time..

Which reminds me of the stuffs back home... Havent really found pleasure in going back my childhood home, where it is falling apart and i'm quite powerless to do anything other than watching pieces by pieces, cracks after cracks forming..

Anyway, the uncanny mix of lack of understanding and selfless cooperation, two opposite poles that repel and attract at the same time, really amazed me this time round, like totally... Shouldnt go much into details, 'cos sensitive ah hahaha...

But the bunch of friends made in FOC is great! hahah never felt happier working with them even though it was a super tiring camp to organise, plan and execute, but everyone concluded the camp with a smile, more of relief and happiness.. Totally enjoyed the process, even though at some time during the camp it looked rather hopeless, but we settled down as a group, cracked our brains as a group, and executed impromptu activities as a group... Next year FOC? see how la ah hahaha....

FOW is coming up, and dear girl girl is the vicechair of the committee.... Things hasnt been going well in the committee though, I hope they have the will and the strength to pull it off successfully... jiayou girl!!

4 months loh =)

2010-06-21T00:55:00.002+08:00

The song of the performance is "I Will Survive" ...

3 years on and I still shudder at the title of this song..

To perform or not? It's really the case of personal feelings over work..

2010-06-19T00:19:00.002+08:00

Happiness can be very simple..

Reading the post on tumblr made me very touched, thanks girl =)

I guess in general, when you deeply appreciate someone you loved, it comes naturally that you seek to understand her, you constantly ask yourself

how is she feeling now?

why the feeling?

is she looking for answers, or really just need a listening ear?

Or at the end of the day, all she needs is just you by her side, the presence of you alone beats all the riches and fortunes in the world.

I understood it once in the past, then I lost it... And now i understand again =)

2010-06-06T23:40:00.003+08:00

ok lah i try to lengthen my blog post hahaha..

had a rather tiring day.. Gave my last tuition lesson to a sec3 thai kid, and all the while I was wondering if I really am cut out to be a tuition teacher.. After being at the receiving end of many many discouraging advice during childhood, its pretty tough trying to boost my confidence level.. I mean, if I'm not confident to teach, what would my tuition kid feels? Surely the two setbacks last year, coupled with one this year is proof enough I cant teach for nuts.. To teach for the sake of a source of income is quite against my morals I guess, and there's really alot of income sources that is what I feel immoral... Take MLM for example, enough said :X

Saturday, went down to suntec investment fair to open an account, but actual stock-playing would start 2 weeks later.. Maybe that will be my destiny; to earn money without risking anyone around me.. I just feel uncomfortable earning money from others... Tuition not exactly la, but the aim of giving tuition is to help your student to pull up his/her grades, but if you are not effective or he/she doesnt like ur teaching style one bit, then what's the point? MLM, ask your friend buy 1 package from you and then you earn commission, then if your friend sells a few packages you earn from his sales, and the tree (literally) carrys on... Does it feel right to earn money this way? Sure, get rich but immoral to me, its just me lah hahah so please dont come hunt me down =)

I hope I can have luck, just hope bah..

How long does it takes to heal a wound? If you say a small cut, give it a week max, it heals with little or no scar.. Say a major injury, fracture or dislocation, maybe months of recuperation and the injured part of your body may never function as well as before.. But when your heart takes a emotional trauma, how long to recover?

The answer lies in you actually.. It goes through a number of phases really ( how i know, through experiences la duh xD)

First you decide if you want to recover. Basically, you depend on your pure determination to decide whether you want to stand up again, or wallow in self-pity and deceiving yourself for the rest of your life. Your choice

Then you decide how you want to recover. Work yourself silly and die of exhaustion every night, too tired to think of anything (reminds me of my army days). Go find best friends or kind strangers to help you to open your mind, to see things in a different angle, basically just 想开一点 lah, simple as that.. No one has the best method of recovery, injured personels have to trial-and-error until they hit the jackpot, or they just continue healing forever..

But just one advice, NEVER set a date for recovery.. No such thing as "Ok, by 5 months I will be normal again.." The negative part on thinking this way is that first, you will be hugely disappointed when you failed to achieve your aim, and second it forms another blow to you when you failed, so why give yourself more reasons to feel upset for? And when someone comes up to you and says, "Wah, I that time more chaaam than you ah, I so unlucky becos' I blahblahblah and then blahblahblah..." just bloody hell slap the life out of him/her (yes, regardless of gender) nobody's gonna feel better because he/she know someone was worse off..

I didnt think i set a date for myself, and even if I set, it will be the day when i carry this wound to the graves... There are just too many stuffs that affects you emotionally to even think about recovering (ok thats only my opinion, good if you are more optimistic than me, congrats) And family is a huge issue in me, how to be happy when the dinnertable and the place you grew up are now filled with vengence, despair, hopelessness, jealousy, bitterness, unblissful ignorance, rage... In case you are wondering why is that even possible, 家家有本难念的经, its hard to explain 'cos it's just the way it is, though undesirable but its unavoidable.. Its harder to find the willingness to spend time with family when the adults underneath the roofs are killing each other weaponlessly..

Most probably, I would just fade off to the shadows and wait for things to happen as usual.. Not that I can do anything about it, this way i rather have breakfast lunch and dinner at home alone, at least the solitude of being alone feels better than all the craps under the roof now..

And feeling the strength of your grip plus ur emotions inside suntec city at friday, I really felt helpless for a moment, but then I decided, quite swiftly though, that I have to look into my resolve again.. To be there for everyone when they want help, to give the appropriate source of strength (think in a way of teaching a man how to fish rather than giving him a fish, and you will see my point) , to let nature follow its ways ( 顺其自然... somehow i forgot the english translation of it hahah) and just be dependable..

Dont worry girl =) here's a song for you

周杰伦 - 我落泪。情绪零碎

地上断了翅的蝶
雾散之后的满月
原来爱跟心碎
都可以很细节
听夜风绕过几条街
秋天瘦了满地的落叶
于是又一整夜
感性的句子都枯萎凋谢

我不想再写
随手撕下这一页
原来诗跟离别
可以没有结尾(没有结尾)
憔悴后悔等等这些
于是我把诗折迭
邮寄出感觉夹一束白玫瑰
你将爱退回

我不落泪忍住感觉
分手在起风这个季节
哭久了会累也只是别人的以为
冷的咖啡我清醒着一再续杯

我落泪情绪零碎
你的世界一幕幕纷飞
门外的蔷薇带刺伤人的很直接
过去被翻阅结局满天的风雪

2010-06-03T23:52:00.002+08:00

1km plus and my knee is screaming for help...

Will Stanchart '10 be my swansong marathon? Or will I ever run again...

sian... Blogposts are getting shorter and shorter already hahaha...

2010-06-02T00:12:00.002+08:00

I don't aim to be the best, but at least I want to be the one there when someone needs a helping hand

I hope everyone does well for exams, just by his/her own expectations and strictly no comparisions to anyone else

If I seem to appear smug or too fake, I don't care

2010-05-31T00:08:00.003+08:00

ahh sian...

actually I was in a rather bad mood, all because of a few words from my mom and then the dinner over at the grandparents'.. suddenly, there was a huge realisation on how alien family warmth is to me right now, 3 yrs of self denial is pretty long actually...

puppy love? to hell with it..

2010-05-10T22:39:00.003+08:00

alrights, on the eve of my departure to taiwan for a short hols, here's the post that I promised my dear old bloggie... hope i got the stamina to blog a huge post hahaha...

Ironically I spent the last sem blogging, on my english module that is... TO hell with all the effective communication stuffs, I havta admit its all about the common sense stuffs that people tend to overlook, so this module basically hits u on the head and says OPEN UR DAMN EYES AND MOUTH AND START TALKING PROPERLY those kind of logic... oh wells... but its 1 hell of a sem, and I'm really really unsure about my results... just hope for the best =)

No more school stuffs, at least for the next three months, as I prepare to embark on my next chapter of life: adulthood. Lol ok I think I've said that last december, but then I was in a semi-mourning state after that and immediately plunged into a hellish busy semester, where got time?! And of course, being emotionally connected to another person in life, though not my first but surely the stronger one, had me forming up another goal in life itself.. It's time to grow up dude, I tell myself, but even so at certain times I find myself needing more strength.. Strength to face the difficulties, strength to be a pillar of support, or even the strength and courage to be emo... Nevertheless, I found my answer everyday when I open my eyes while lying on bed: my family, my friends, my past and of course, you =)

I think I've lost too much to need someone or something to remind me the word 'cherish' .. It was a tough past 4 years and no doubt, this is the life-changing 4 years that directed me on the course of life that I'll be walking on.. Changes in terms of mindset, in terms of how I see the world, in terms of being with the people around me, I think there's a dramatically huge change.. I cant deny I developed a sense of despair and pessimism for family ties, and I dont have much faith as before in many things, friendship or studies etc etc.. Maybe I'm still in a half-stupor stage, tied down to the past and the fear of embracing the future, but I'm recovering, albeit 3 years on so far.. The past 2 months made me reinforced the truth that I learnt in army, that is, to focus on improving yourself rather than wasting time comparing comparing and more comparing.. There's no reason for me to compare the thing I'm doing now to the past, neither is there a reason to compare with other people in similar situations, past or present.. Doing the best I can, now, is the only way I can pull myself out of the stump... doesnt matter if I ever would be free of the shackles but at least I can be happier, the only gift that I ask for now..

And of course, life's never easy.. Especially hard in SG is happiness obtainable by any means, everyone is grumbling on and on about themselves themselves and more about themselves.. No offence, but everyone is trying to win an invisible competition where the person in the worst possible state wins... nothing? Not that I am completely out of the competition, its human nature to compete isnt it , but I just dont see the point.. Will everyone rush to get your autographs? Or you become a overnight star? Or simply, humans in Singapore are gasping for attention? Seemingly, everyone thinks the best way to console someone in distress is to reassure that he/she is in a worse state before.. YEAH C'MON GROW UP will ya? How in God's name am I going to feel better? Am I supposed to be happier just because YOU felt WORSE than me before? hahaha in case you are wondering if it happened to me just now, the answer is no... Is more like thoughts and observations gathered over the years...

For my part, I will try to help friends around me in distress, much often using my past experiences NOT as comparision, but rather offering them a different viewpoint and hence coming up with solutions from a different mindset.. People should face it up to their troubles and not finding excuses or expecting people to come forward.. We live our own lives; family and friends exist not to help you live your life, but as additional support and strength to carry on living.. BUT easier said than done right?

Frankly, I fear the future.. Which is expected since I no longer plan too far ahead in fear of disappointment.. My 21st birthday celebration would be a fine example, as of many dreams I had in the past but no longer now..

真的不得不认老。我不能说自己是全世界最惨的人类，但经历过的一切一切，还是我家人最痛苦。哈哈，满失败的我这个儿子。。人不老，心却老了几十年。死而复活的心灵，在这世界看到的只是悲哀，愤怒，哀愁，绝望，泪水。。很希望能更坚强，但是我不想欺骗任何人，不过我慢慢在恢复了。讲真的，无论什么事我还是先会以悲哀来面对，这习惯很难改，但往往还是最现实的；因为已经死过一次就再也找不回以前的幸福日子。

This ends a chapter in life and start yet another one, each chapter getting thicker and thicker.. I just need a co-author to write with me and I dont havta worry so much about the content, that's all =) hahaha...

til next time =)

2010-05-02T22:53:00.002+08:00

300th post....

what's not more timely then saying,

"Happy 2nd Month!"

=)

301st shall be the illustration of the next chapter of life, after exams when all thoughts are settled down will I spend time blogging seriously long for once in a long while =)

smile smile =)

1 more to 300!! no no the spartan 300..

2010-04-04T23:21:00.002+08:00

Ok so 1 more to the 300th, long time no blog le hahaha... this blog almost 7 years old but only 300 posts nia, so phail hahah...

1 MONTH!!! WOOOTs! (ok i'm a few days late hahaha)

hahaha wheeee~ it was a tough one month, in terms of studies... Really lost much strength to blog at all, currently trying to clear as much assignments as possible but the occasional pull to games seemed very inevitable.. Concentrate! but quite phail sometimes hahaha...

CEG, this is where my future holds, this is my decision... and the promise I made with QT yesterday on msn, I got one more reason to swear on my backside i will see through this 4 years...

OK i promise to post something meaningful for the 300th... when ah? I seriously dunno hahaha...

happy! wheee! 1 month :3

2010-03-12T23:25:00.002+08:00

movie! and the winnie the pooh hahaha... I will work hard for this sem, for the CEG Mario friends around me, and for u :3

But of course, i will have to be patient with this teletubby because of many reasons that i understand but occasionally struggled to cope with it =( i wished i could be stronger to be able to be by their sides whenever someone needs help.. Pls trust me and give me more time to prove myself =)

But ultimately, happy happy day :3

which sort of soured off towards the end as i went home for dinner... hearing my mom saying about the difficulties in organising a birthday dinner for my grandparents and all their children are complaining and complaining and complaining, as the pride and insensitivity of the adult world domninated the topic of discussion...

Irony isnt it, when they are my very precious family members that even my late father most probably saw them turned 21 years old back in their teens =/

adults *sigh*

2010-03-05T17:02:00.002+08:00

wheeeee~

its been a long while since someone showered so much care on me =) she dragging me go 'kai kai' to lift me up when i'm feeling sleepy, then forcing me to take a nap with her napping too, having a simple but enjoyable dinner in school after mugging... life is tough but its periods like these that carries us through difficult moments =)

feels good to be in love again =) projectttttts!! here i come >:)

2010-03-02T23:22:00.000+08:00

happy!!! =)

2010-03-02T00:15:00.002+08:00

never did well again for midterms, BUT its within my expectations =S

then again, there's something not right with this semester... Yes its hectic but at the end of the day i realised i wasnt learning as much as i want to be... And the ridiculous ease of losing focus came to haunt me today as i struggled to brush up on ma1506 concepts on the day of the exams.. how did i forget that there's past yr midterms in ivle but i casually ignored during the wkends, which i spent rotatin between reading notes and playing game? *perhaps i must stop my guilty pleasures of gaming*

I need to concentrate!! but something is bothering me somehow somewhere... Affairs at home, or in school? i cant really say for sure but no doubt, 2010 isnt the smoothest of years to start with, so... I guess its just a bad start =/ troubles grow with age, and the amount of things that affects you just grows with it.... Life just gets harder and harder, and i wish the adults at home can understand before anything happen... my tolerance limit to petty bickerings is only so much =/

Concentrate!! perhaps i shld start running maybe this wkend, if schoolwork isnt so draining =/

2010-02-23T23:37:00.004+08:00

Very tiring, recess week came and was gone before I realised its recess week -_-

I foresee having 3 meals a day for 5 days of school days, not to mention the occasional forced return to school for some projects, rawrr... I shall try to meet mom and bro for dinner, my schedule is getting out of hand already...

And my buddy is returning to aussie for studies, yet school load doesnt permit me to meet him out.. Just too tiring and catching up the endless work, it had taken a toll on maintaining friendships in some sense. Proof? A single lighter is enough to create a rift between me and another buddy of mine, and it's yet to be resolved... On speech, yeah maybe I sounded like i dont care, 'cos the fault wasnt on my side in the first place, and definitely not the one starting it... But then again, is it pure bitter pride that's so hard to swallow, or is it I just dun have the energies to care anymore other than studies...

Sometimes life just gets too tiring, any amount of hours spent on resting is incomparable to receiving the understanding from your family and friends

有时候，再多的睡眠，再长的休息时间，也比不过亲人跟朋友的谅解 ....

Forgive me as I disappear beneath the school workload until May...

那一扇车门
关出我们的裂痕
一声就震断了回头的路程
爱无法均分
以后就留给你们
也许用伤害结束爱才更动人
容忍的人其实并不笨
只是宁可对自己残忍
既然爱不能恒温
祝福就给你下一个人

你是好人也是个坏人
对我坦承只为了朝他狂奔
不能放任所以放了
这点痛我还能忍

我是好人也是个坏人
分得够狠你才有借口转身
宁愿爱一点不剩
也不忍看恋人爱成路人

2010-02-16T22:54:00.002+08:00

great day today, yeah real 'great'...

maybe too much emphasis was placed on studies, and as the result lost touch with many things outside my own personal world... family, friends, there are so many that i wanna do but it just boils down to time management and just purely the desire and strength to make the first move to keep in touch with them.. It's pretty obvious after today's disaster, when a lighter is just about enough to create a rift between me and one of my closer friends..

Somehow, uni has this unique ability to shorten your fuse, ie your tolerance levels on anything.. Why did he reassure me that he quited smoking and then proceed to lit a cigarette with the very lighter he asked me to buy, and why did I actually trust the sms even though i've rejected to purchase that very lighter the first time? And why did he lose his temper at me for being angry at him for smoking? Why did i purposely confront him in a very indirect way that ultimately caused the debacle today? Theres alot of questions, but these are questions that do not need an answer....

nevertheless, one thing i find stupid is the reason for smoking: stress... if so, then everyone is a smoker already and i would have been arrested for drug abuse years ago, yet at that point of time disappointment and anger clouded my mind to realise that everyone has their own ways of destressing... It's just that some ways are alot more unhealthier than others.... yet to buy a lighter for your close friend to smoke, it just doesnt seem right to me... its akin to borrowing money to a gambler, lending knife for someone to commit murder... and the fallout at the busstop, it could have been avoidable but credit to our stubbornness, it happened... the only amusing part? i hadnt lost my temper throughout the whole incident.....

yet i was guilty of a deliberate poke at my close friend, whom expectedly just walked away, leaving my another friend dumbstruck.... why did i commit that crime, i still couldnt understand at that moment, but when he left that bloody lighter on the seat, i realised where i went in this incident... because of the my inability to cope with the heavy workload in school i've neglected a close friend in distress... too many times i've lost the chance to show my concern, hence he took up the cigarette again.. i swore to be stronger, yet i've failed spectacularly today -_-

once again in the month of february, i felt powerless.....

hais, a stupid day of the CNY week.....

2010-02-12T22:34:00.002+08:00

oh no i left my adapter in sch... better get it back soon if nt this recess week is troublesome...

Anyway during 2dae's mini recee wif jaws and jason, somehow I got the hint that i havent been a good coursemate and friend recently... sigh, maybe been going rather crazy over this hectic semester and somehow gone overboard in my actions, thus offending the people around me...

think this recess break would be a good time to recharge and reflect..

batt's dying =(

2010-02-10T00:20:00.002+08:00

For some reasons, coding today is hellish....

OK it had rarely been fun, but today is quite possibly the worst day coding... it should be a NO CODING day in school which i didnt noe but yeah, hellish it were.. Rawrrr how come suddenly so much stuffs popping up? 4 stuffs already in my timetable for next wk, cny week! hahahah this is so good game man =)

I need more sleep v.v really feel bad to spend more than 12 hrs in school everyday but i cant help it, rushing tutorials and juggling with marketing stuffs, trying to understand what this sem is about, lol this sounds bad =( quite the contary, i'm actually not complaining now, rather more like venting and ranting hahah... mr blog is my good buddy for ranting =) i wish i can be more proficient in coding but i need company to code with, to gimme a helping hand along the way ( but what do i give back in return? uhh...... maybe my lame humour la hahaha )

一场失败的爱情像个笑话
热得时候心乱如麻
冷了以后看见自己够傻
人怎么会如此容易无法自拔

人类为什么这么容易被击落。。。

2010-02-07T23:07:00.002+08:00

This cant go on any more...

The usual routine for the past 2 weeks: because of events in the weekends, I had to rush school work in anticipation of the lack of time to complete it.. And from Monday to Thursday I stare laptop screens more than human faces, by Friday all energies are sapped and i flopped around halfdead in sch, getting seriously frustrated at how screwed 1108 mod can be =(

Not quite anticipating this sem, much as i hope i can fill up this blog with happy posts but right now its pure exhaustion...

2010-02-02T00:58:00.001+08:00

i wished i felt anger, but instead it was utter disappointment....

In myself, in everything =(

2010-01-31T22:07:00.003+08:00

This is getting really ridiculous...

Anyway, school's officially started and hellish is the word that i can describe... Cant imagine until the end of this sem... rawrr i muz focus! Allocate proper timing and enough time for everything... but when 3 out of 5 modules really are dumbass to the ultimate, how enjoyable this sem would be? Cant imagine -_-

And adults, sigh.... If i were to grow up to be like them, i would rather stay 11 years old forever, finding bliss in ignorance as what linkin park sings... Dont think i would go on to the details but yeah, it sux to see adults behaving like this, kinda amusing and amazing... Do they want to learn the painful lessons of loss before they start to grow up again? Then again, i still rather not grow up than to 上一堂《失去才懂得珍惜》的课...

Came across many meaningful songs recently in the radio, not new but a few years old already but the lyrics are really beautiful at the very least..

咖啡 - 张学友

太浓了吧否则怎会苦的说不出话
每次都一个人在自问自答
我们的爱到底还在吗
已经淡了吧多放些糖也很难有变化
不如喝完这杯就各自回家
别坐在对面欣赏我的挣扎

一场失败的爱情像个笑话
热得时候心乱如麻
冷了以后看见自己够傻
人怎么会如此容易无法自拔

一场无味的爱情像个谎话
甜的时候只相信它
苦了以后每一句都可怕
人怎么会如此难以了无牵挂

jeidon is slowly but definitely getting jaded...

2010-01-23T00:14:00.002+08:00

this week is a sleepy week v.v

really scared to fall sick now, i realised how pain it is after a swollen gum made this week rather hellish by interupting my sleep, and a sleepy brandon is a grumpy brandon xD

And this morning things went rather bad as the hell's peak was reached during the 1108 lab.... shldnt brood over it anymore, but i think i may have shown my friends the somewhat ugly side of me, the sleep deprived ultra grumpy ultra whiny side of me =( congrats friends i think there's more to be discovered as the years go by hahahha..... i hope next week will be better, rested up and ready to fight a new war =)

and i really hated the blogging in the english mod, havta reread and rewrite since it will be graded o.o

here's the link for the english blog, pls go there and laugh over what i hav to say every week http://comunicacion-efectiva-brandon.blogspot.com/ but pls dun comment although i did encourage it hahaha...

yawns, i better rest up well this wkends, do some tuts and officially announcing the closing down of my social life until this hellish sem ends Dx

all the best everyone!

2010-01-12T21:23:00.003+08:00

hanging out with the 1st 3 months peeps, though only a grand total of 4 of us, brings back alot of memories... Its not something new, but sometimes it would be nice if time turns back to the 1st 3 months period in CJ, where everything seemed so carefree and fun, where life seemed so simple.. Right now i'm blogging with a half dead body, since i reached home at 11 last night and left home at 730 in the morning...

almost 5 years has passed since i left the gates of CJC for good, for a susposedly greener pastures in the fields of SAJC, but i couldnt find back the enjoyment anywhere... Maybe its the A's, maybe its the rollercoaster ride in life after JC, maybe its just pure growing up, but if i were to look at the same guy at 1t37, i dont think i could recognize him anymore... True, he may be vv fat and ugly.. True, he may be absurdly immature.. True, he may be very naive in dealing with affairs of family and the heart...

But at least, he's genuinely happy

2010-01-11T00:59:00.002+08:00

tired v.v these few days are pretty bad; waking up more tired than when sleeping, even aft clocking the optimal amount of hours (or so i thought)... just hope i dont fall sick, school official starts in about 13hrs' time and really its not the right time to be lying on bed biting a thermometer.. wells u get what i mean :D

been listening to lots of songs, and one of my friends just entered singlehood :( wells it's nothing to be happy about, i just havta see how it goes about helping him out... it will be tough juggling emotions and work/school, trust me its very painful =/ so i came across this song, the rhythm isnt exactly very emo/super tear jerker kind, but its the lyrics that i got attracted to... maybe its the medicine for the broken hearts :)

记得爱

天空不断下着无声的雪
而我只有思念
勉强能温暖黑夜
拥抱离我已经千山万水
每个男人都有
说不出的心碎
我还爱着一个人
但愿回到美好的从前
也许痛的感觉证明了爱的深浅
不然为什么我还不撤退

记得爱所有幸福的片段
所以才一直忘记要离开
伸出手继续勇敢付出我的爱
原地不动的等待
就算风把我的头发吹乱

记得爱是我给过的答案
就不再考虑应该不应该
一滴泪落进无边无际的大海
就算我们都活得没有遗憾

then another song pops into mind about the kahlok day later tonight at dhoby area..

回到过去

一盏黄黄旧旧的灯
时间在旁闷不吭声
寂寞下手毫无分寸
不懂得轻重之分
沉默支撑跃过陌生
静静看着凌晨黄昏
你的身影
失去平衡
慢慢下沉

黑暗已在空中盘旋
该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端
无法存活在真实的空间

想回到过去试着抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜

想回到过去试着让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

思绪不断
阻挡着回忆播放
盲目的追寻
仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚
睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单
已躺在身旁

guess troubles just grow with age, dont they? :)

2010-01-04T21:16:00.002+08:00

歌名：春泥

漫天的话语纷乱落在耳际
你我沉默不回应
牵你的手你却哭红了眼睛
路途漫长无止尽
多想提起勇气
好好的呵护你
不让你受委屈
苦也愿意

那些痛的记忆落在春的泥土里
滋养了大地开出下一个花季
风中你的泪滴滴滴落在回忆里
让我们取名叫做珍惜

迷雾散尽一切终于变清晰
爱与痛都成回忆
遗忘过去繁花灿烂在天际
等待已有了结局
我会提起勇气
好好地呵护你
不让你受委屈
苦也愿意

漫天纷飞的花语落在春的泥土里
滋养了大地开出下一个花季
风中你的泪滴滴滴落在回忆里
让我们取名叫做珍惜

那些痛的记忆落在春的泥土里
滋养了大地开出下一个花季
风中你的泪滴滴滴落在回忆里
让我们取名叫做珍惜

让我们懂得学会珍惜

09 年过了，除了到处跟人说声 "happy new year!"，这新的一年希望大家都

"懂得学会珍惜"

2009-12-30T00:50:00.002+08:00

Thanks to those who went for the party on Sunday, really appreciate it... OK i know its like the umpteen times i've said thanks and the appreciations, but you will know why...

If you asked me last year whether i'm going to hold a 21st birthday celebration, my answer would be, "No way in hell, whats the point?" yeah really, whats the point? At that time i'm still having some sort of a phobia to the happy birthday song, which you may think is weird but considering that

(although the following lines may seem a tad too emo but its really words i wanted to say during the party, although i thought its wiser not to, and its really from the bottom of my heart, nothing sad nothing offensive, just words)

dad left us exactly 2 weeks before i turned 19, the first occasion i heard the birthday song, which was about a month or more later, i almost crumbled while singing.. It was as if theres no purpose in having birthday celebrations anymore, so whats the point?

But kudos to my mom and her sisters for forcing me for the chalet, for i'm truly touched by the turnout of friends during the party.. It adds alot more purposes into life now, which was the magical touch i need to carry on moving forward in the tough uni life ahead.. Although dad cannot be here with me, my paternal grandmother has difficulties moving and so unable to come, and my maternal grandmother who brought me up are unable to attend due to recuperation from her recent hospitalisation, i still consider the celebration a success... As much as i wish the above 3 people are able to witness the celebration, the turnout as well as the warmth my friends gave me during the party sort of calm the emotional nerves within, threatening to erupt throughout the whole party..

And i was very surprised i was rather calm; i didnt get a hint of emo during the singing of birthday songs, the family photos, all those which i thought will trigger a flood of emotions and hence, tears during the celebration.. Maybe i want to save face, 'tough guys dont tear in front of anyone' kind of logic, but what i believe that its is

a sign to be strong,

to carry on no matter how tough life may be,

to appreciate all the people you loved and cared,

to endure through all kinds of shit for family, friends and loved ones

thanks for everything, everyone =)

2009-12-24T18:12:00.005+08:00

I kind of stand firm with my ground, that is, time does not heal all wounds but it just numbs it.. Superficial wounds get covered up by the endless creation of new skin cells placed on top of it as time goes by, but wounds to the heart doesnt.. I can really see from my own point of views; it tells me that people who doesnt undergo any major trauma events in his/her life will surely believe time will heal all wounds.. No offence to people who feels their lives are smooth-sailing and i really congratulate them for this gift by the heavens, but i speak out more about people who are unable to stand up after receiving a huge blow, which to a certain extent includes me..

As the river of time flows on, the piercing pain will numb, but nevertheless still a pain once in awhile..
Memories stick to places, such that it continues to strike even when we thought that well, time heals all wounds..

Naive we are, if we allow the river to clense the wounds and do nothing else..

but really, there will be a point in the flow of time when this surge of hurt merges with our daily routines in life, such that when it strikes, pain will definitely be felt but not a foreign one... As we follow through the river of time, we initially count

how many steps we are from that fateful point in the flow,

then we count how many metres,

then how many kilometres,

then we measure in miles,

until we reach a certain point where we only remember that there is such a fateful point in the river, but lost sight of it from the endless flow of time.. But the wound remains within the heart, serving us as a reminder of how naive we were prior to receiving that blow to deserve this wound..

This message is dedicated to everyone nursing their wounds right now, there are more in life than looking back to the past and be affected by it, no matter how unavoidable it is.. Ride down the river of time and glance at the beautiful passing sceneries, for in hope that it may serve as a medicine to heal ourselves emotionally and spiritually...

And always, always look out for friends riding along with you in the flow of time.

After all, laughter's the best medicine, aren't they?

Merry Christmas :)

-For the woundeds, By a wounded

*as a signing off, personally i think the greatest courage is not forcibly showing a strong front to everyone but the reveal of our vulnerable side of us.. i hope i had that courage but then..

2009-12-18T00:53:00.002+08:00

Today receiving news of my grandma in hospital, plus my first ever return to a hospital in 2 years, it had been a terrible day... It's like history repeating itself after a long time of peace..

Seems like my phobia for hospital is here to stay for a long long time...

thankfully she's ok, just stay a night for observation, but the whole episode building up to it was scary enough, i was controlling my emotions and tears all the way until i managed to see her, 4 hours after receiving the news.. Something inside me holds the primitive fear of hospitals, and i guess its never going away..

Please, i dont want anything to go wrong now...

2009-12-09T20:09:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was the anniversary, 2 years to be exact...

Just like the marathon on Sunday when 2 past injuries came up and almost crippled it, this only served to remind me how effective time is to heal all wounds.. And yesterday was just the same, i was struggling whole day to cover up as they threaten to burst open from scars left for so long.. Yet when i saw families walking around central at clarke quay somehow the mood just gets lower and lower.. I hate myself for feeling like this but well until my life ends, every year this day will affect me the most among the 365...

These few days i can only look as mom struggles with her business admin diploma exams, which was tough partly for her age to even consider mugging, and they test on excel word powerpoint and access, all of which i am semi good or not even well-versed in, so the most i can offer is just breakfast everyday and try to help her along.. Other than that i feel pretty useless, which closely brings back the feeling which exploded 2 years ago in this exact same time period..

How did my ankle injury pop out during the run really puzzled me.. It was an injury during J1, which was 4 5 years ago? And its so freaking foreignly pain i almost did the unthinkable: throwing in the towel.. In the end i did complete the race, abeit in a real struggle, and all the sudden for the first time in six races so far willpower almost came up short in forcing me to clear the finishing line and really, its kinda scary... The days after the race was a nightmare; now is still a struggle walking around without pain but thankfully its recovering...

What a change in 4 days after the euphoria in ending exams... I only hope i can get back happier soon =/

2009-12-05T13:10:00.002+08:00

1st posting for december..

Actually i am rather nervous for tmw stanchart.. Not that i'm gunning for a good timing, cos its pretty obvious i cant get the results last year given the amount of training this time round.. Rather its how to survive through this undoubtedly gruesome race.. For so long i was depending on my sheer willpower to complete the race, last year stanchart, Sundown at May this year, followed by AHM at August, Human Race at October and the Real Run last month.. None can be compared to Stanchart races every year..

Sure, i reckon its because it is in the month of December, especially at a rather sensitive date.. I almost skipped last year's race due to sorrow but thankfully i managed to change that to strength, willpower to finish the race under 6 hours, far beyond my expectations.. This time round, i will need to depend on it more than ever.. Oh wells since this is a 42.195 km run, who knows what will happen along the way..? As in AHM, i started the process of leaving some 'just-in-case' kind of messages at the eve of a race i thought i had trouble running..

"Some may think its unlucky to talk about last words or anything, but i couldnt think of a more crucial timing to other than the eve of a running event, ie marathons or half marathons or even just a 10km fun run.. I dont know if its just me, but i cant help but notice a spike in the number of sudden deaths in recent years, its kinda scary if it really happens near you, and of course for my situation i dont want history to repeat itself again, so yeah...

but then, i dont know what to write either! lol... then maybe instead of talking about this (if it really happens) short life, i would rather talk about thanking all the people who have made an impact in my (again if it really happens) short life...

My family,
My few buddies and good frens that i can die for,
My kindergarden school mates whom i've lost contact with,
My marist frens from primary to secondary,
My CJC 1st 3 months frens,
My SAJC classmates and fitness people,
My BMT Ninja platoon mates,
My 30sce frens,
All my teachers, school and tuition
and last but not least NUS frens from Excalibur and Mario, both freshies and seniors

and of course, , thank you (your name)for magnanimously treated me as a sincere friend and for making an impact on my life

All the way for StanChart Marathon!!"

keep on running, for all the people i cherish in my life

2009-11-26T21:04:00.002+08:00

Recap on the Bleach anime saga...

Nono its not about the ongoing anime series, the lame storyline of the Zanpakuto Rebellion.. It's about the manga, in which the author took a 1 week break from drawing. It's so much better than the anime series, which of course on one hand havta censor all the gore from the manga and cant afford to divide the series into seasons, so they used fillers while awaiting for the manga to be way ahead before carrying on with the series..

SO for anime-watchers only, spoilers ahead.. Manga readers, many questions are still left unanswered by the author, so hopefully the upcoming chapters will give some solutions....

Ichigo, revived after being killed by Ulquiorra, has a new Hollow mask for his transformation as the result, but the power dried up on him while in the fight against Yammy in Resurrecion form.. Will that have implications on him when he faces off with Aizen in the real world? Or will Captain Unohana's recovery skills bring Ichigo to the next level of his power?

Is Yammy in his Resurrecion form that lousy? Sure he beat the crap out of Renji, Sado, Rukia and Ichigo but instead he got hacked up so much by Kenpachi; is the joint blow by Kenpachi and Byakuya's bankai enough to defeat him? Or will the last battle in Hueco Mundo carry on in the further chapters?

And what of the face-off in the real world between the exhausted Shinigamis and Aizen and co, clearly fresh from not having to fight in the battle between the captains and the Espadas? Will we finally see the various bankai, notably Aizen, Ichimaru Gin, Genryuusai, Kyoraku, Unohana, the injured Ukitake, the Vizards?

Talking about the Espadas, is all 9 of them dead, not counting Yammy? What's of Grimmjoww? After being hacked by Nnoitra, it was not explicitly drawn that he's dead. Will he somehow appear in the saga later?

Aldewiss seems strong after defeating Mashiro, even after receiving various heavy blows from her attack. Is Kensei's bankai enough to defeat him?

Where's Urahara and Yourichi? What are they up to during all these battles?

Last but not least, this is more of my personal question all series long: when is Ichigo's father appearing to fight? Remember from the revenge battle against Grand Fischer, his Shinigami robe gives a hint of a captain's haori, so is he an ex-captain from Seireitei, like Urahara and Yourichi? But how come Genryuusai has no special reaction to the surname, Kurosaki?

Yeah cant wait for the upcoming chapters, but there's one thing i even await for its end:

the exams -_-

2009-11-24T14:15:00.002+08:00

ok, it is a very bad time to be panicking now...

Nothing is being absorbed at this moment, so maybe mr.blog can help me cool down and clear up my mind... Not mentioning after yesterday's econs paper, i fully realised how different this level of education is from the previous experiences i had.. I meant, i've never felt so helpless before in studies.. Being in a bell curve wasnt a fresh experience; O' and A'levels are based on this system, but for the first time yesterday, i truly felt that the outcome of my results are not in my control at all... Previously i was just concentrating on my own level of progress and understanding, hoping that it is able to get my desired results at the end of the day.. This final sem exam? I really cant say for certain, 'cos really i feel my results will be depending on the performances of the rest of the cohort to determine my position in the bell curve

ie, i have near zero confidence now =/

man, i cant wait for this period to be over... i want to be running on the road, training for stanchart :(

2009-11-20T18:12:00.002+08:00

累了

要醒来

不能做梦

自己做梦

一点意义

也没有

醒来

！

2009-11-14T00:20:00.003+08:00

brrr... so cold <:S looks like gonna be raining the whole night.. cool 'cos can save on the air con, bad 'cos feeling cold has been the theme of the week so far... thats quite bad, exams are counting down 9 days already and this is hardly a suitable period to attempt to fall sick...

oh wells, gonna run to keep myself fit :D

2009-11-05T18:04:00.002+08:00

2 posts in 2 days.. hmm i wonder whats wrong.. perhaps i'm just too tired of staring at my laptops more than i stare at human faces, or something else is going wrong and i only have a niggling feeling about it. Oh wells

Lately tensions at home are quite tight.. the characters in the conflicts are ever changing, and now i quite torn between my home and my grandparents'. One is where i lived full time since sec4s and the latter is where i had my childhood memories in. So when both sides are in war, i'm not quite sure what to do.. and today was another good example when mom and grandmom faced off in the temple, in front of my dad.. It was an awkward situation right smacked together with an awkward location, and the sense of helplessness is just too enormous not to vent it on blog, yeah 6 hours after the incident i'm still gawking over it -_- if only i have more influence and power to restore everything right...

在天之灵的你
可不可以原谅
儿子的无能为力？

思念是一种病 - 张震岳
当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
一辈子有多少的来不及
发现已经失去最重要的东西
恍然大悟早已远去
为何总是在犯错之后
才肯相信错的是自己
他们说这就是人生试着体会
试着忍住眼泪还是躲不开应该有的情绪
我不会奢求世界停止转动
我知道逃避一点都没有用
只是这段时间里尤其在夜里
还是会想起难忘的事情
我想我的思念是一种病
久久不能痊愈

2009-11-04T00:24:00.002+08:00

直到爱消失你才懂得
去珍惜身边每个
美好风景
只是她早已离去
直到你想通她早已经
不再对你留恋
最后的你
开始了一段挣扎

你那么爱她
为甚么不把她留下
为甚么不说心里话
你深爱她
这是每个人都知道啊

你那么爱她
为甚么不把她留下
是不是你有深爱的
两个她
所以你不想再让自己
无法自拔

2009-10-29T12:22:00.003+08:00

Last night i reached home so drained, I slept from 830pm to around 11+pm.. Overshot my intended time by 1 hour, oh wells so tried my best to mug, maybe do some tutorials or some reading up but brain just still in half-asleep mode, so after awhile at 1am fell back to bed again..

And woke up at 1030am! Like wow lol that's almost 12hours of sleep within a 14 hour timespan.. But i saw it coming already, it had been a hectic 2 weeks of school, project assignments tutorials in an endless cycle.. It dont come as a surprise that during such hard times people would start questioning themselves about their choices; whether they have made a right move in choosing the current degree or even the decision to undertake university studies. I too asked myself that question plenty of times...

From a third party's view it was a pretty nonsensical decision; i am more inclined towards science, more specifically chemistry and maths.. So what am i doing in computer engineering? For some parts maybe it was sort of a dumping ground since biz accounts and science rejected me, but for most part i have this inner desire to have a go at the IT industry when i come out of uni, whether with a 1st upper or 2nd lower degree.. Something inside me desires to take up a huge risk to venture upon unexplored grounds rather than to bask in green grasses of my own comfort zone... True i may have zero experience in anything about programming, and i'm rather well-known for being a ultra slow learner, this degree which will takes more than 4 years to attain will be a hard route to take..

But i guess that it will be this hardship that i will learn and take away the most from it, we humans will only learn and grow through undergoing trials and tests; and we will be stronger at the end of the road, physically and mentally..

Hang on there, gambatte, 加油！i say repeat it in so many different languages, but most importantly everyone must put these words into actions... Life will no doubt be tough, but enjoyable if we go through it with family and friends that we love and trust..

keep on running..

i'm less than halfway through this dark period that continues to haunt,

true enough the double losses 2 years ago to me it still taunts.

everyday i ask myself if i have the strength to carry on running,

sieving through the dark thoughts whose words i perceive as ruthlessly cunning.

but deep down i know that in a journey ahead that seems so daunting,

i will not be alone walking, running...

in my skin i'm crawling..

Crawling - Linkin Park

Discomfort endlessly
Has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will
I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting
How I can't seem...

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence,)
(I'm convinced that there's just)
(Too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

2009-10-21T23:05:00.002+08:00

First time waited 30+mins for a freaking bus in NUS, and its with jamin :S tsk tsk u brought me bad luck la jam hahah... joking joking..

I proceeded to miss my designated landing point by 1 stop through falling asleep and when i wanted to get off asap, the bus took a 15minutes detour cos of road closure ahead =_=

Then when i thinking of taking cab after i got off the bus, my night got worse when i waited 5 MINS for a freaking traffic light red man to turn green after pressing the button =_=

Almost resigned to taking cab home, bus 90 came rolling by and while contemplating whether to take a gamble, i thought, "Why not?"

Then the night took a major U-turn as the also-detoured bus 90 allowed me to alight at potong pasir mrt for a smooth straight bus ride home..

Like wow, how did i end up in potong pasir mrt in sucha weird manner? But the whole journey took 2 hours, starting from the time i left the lounge with jamin.. However (damn, qet...) sometimes small incidents like these are quite worth the effort to ponder through and digest some food for thought (damn, mno...)

Lesson #1: Life sometimes just dont go your way..

I didnt expect to wait freaking 30mins for a damn bus ( and i didnt expect to wait with someone like jamin HAHAH joking lah...), i didnt realise i could have overslept and missed by such a huge margin, i didnt think i'm that 'lucky' to encounter a huge detour that costed me 15mins of my time wondering what the heck had juz happened..

But really though it sounded very 'duh' kind of statement, or should i say BOOMZ, most of the time we alway dont expect, dont realise and dont think that things can go wrong.. As murphy's law state, things that can go wrong will go wrong.. Depending on how optimistc u are, stuffs that happen outside ur expectation can either make ur life more interesting, or more stressful on the other hand.. More importantly is really more about how we tackle it and whether we have the courage to face it head-on..

Lesson #2: Just when u thought that ur situation couldnt get any worse, it did

Remember in my short story my situation got worse 3 times, each time giving more impact on me than the previous, until i was actually quite turned off and decided to take cab as a quick one-off solution but a choice with a heavier opportunity cost (damn, econs!).. Also quite a 'duh' statement, but its worth thinking about the amount of times this situation happened in our lives so far.. Some are minor, like for eg slipping down on a pavement, then realised ur iphone is smashed as a result, and while u angrily thinking of where to send ur iphone for repairs u got robbed so cleanly u only got a spoilt damn iphone left... others are more serious; i had a personal encounter which i guess i'll leave it to the other day.. But really, can we do anything about it?

Lesson #3: When situations get so bad u feel demoralised, along comes a hope and a guiding light to the rescue

The story had a rather weird hero: a damn bus (damn, why am i using so many damns? damn... i think i'm pretty tired now) initially i thought of a quick one-off solution to settle the stuffs, but luck came in a form of the bus, which i sort of gambled cos the bus came before the taxi anyway, and somehow its detoured route brings me to potong pasir mrt.. Pure luck really comes when my 142 bus arrived after i crossed the road opposite lol...

Many times when things start to get really low and we find ourselves just soley wishing that things can get better; sometimes we pray for a miracle that never comes.. If i still remember a quote from reading a book, the source of miracles comes from nowhere else but the human heart.. If i had succumbed to frustrations, i would most probably be waiting for a taxi and give the bus 90 a miss, potentially giving up a chance to save up to 8 bucks.. Even in times of despair, human hearts should never waiver and give in to whatever the situation leads; in fact it is precisely these situations that give us a training scenario to be a stronger, better person.. To learn from mistakes and carry on moving forward, shouldnt that be one of our aims in life?

keep on running, cos the nike huamn race is this saturday and i undertrained as expected =_=

bad hair day

2009-10-12T19:24:00.002+08:00

temporarily change my blogskins as the previous one was problematic...

anyway i really havta apologise; today is one of the rare days i lost control... maybe is the results, maybe its october, maybe my hair looked vv vv vv vv bad, maybe i'm just tired, i dont know.. but what i know is i shouldnt reduce myself into a whinebag because of such trivial problems..

time to sober up from all the rude awakenings, it's time for war..

Onward n upward!

心跳

2009-10-09T22:48:00.002+08:00

怪不得心有时会痛，已经是十月了。。

就这样，两年就过了。。

是否比以前快乐，可能吧。。两年前的我，跟现在的我多多少少应该差很多吧。。

本人生中最黑暗的时刻，就是两年前的这段时间。我当然不会在这部落格重复所有的回忆；反而我倒认为人吗，偶尔的回想过去虽然有点痛苦，但是却能让我们记得在那黑暗的时刻我们对自己的灵魂所许下的承诺：发誓要变得更坚强，发誓不要再让历史重演，发誓不会让你身边的亲人与朋友难过，发誓不要再犯下同样的错误。

可能在这时段，情绪难免会有点受影响。。时间始终还是弥补不了心所受到的创伤。。或许我一辈子都会是这样子，但是我很清楚：心灵里的空虚，无人能了解；但我们的生活不能是空的，虚伪的。。要在这空洞里找出那力量，就是要为亲人、爱人、朋友好好地活下去。。

请不要分了以后还记得亲吻过的承诺
你的永久已不属于
我默默低头那时我很多话哽在喉咙
你的笑你的快乐或许我爱太多想太多
我能感受他比我适合
爱放了手我伪装冷漠比你先说分手

请原谅我原谅我不成熟
不爱你是藉口好让你离开我
请原谅我好想自私将你占有
你的寂寞就给我承受换你过更好的

生活

trust

2009-09-30T00:09:00.002+08:00

Today at MNO lecture i had an unexpected phrase that jolted some brain cells in me, and so i'm here blogging, right after maths mid terms, and yes i did tell a few people, notably dipsy and jason that i'm not coming online 'cos too shagged... But this sentence is worth the effort to blog about, even the tiredness and the 2 midterms tomorrow lol...

"Trust entails the willingness to be vulnerable"

and i just realised my maths midterm got only 2 confirmed right, means minimum 2 points but probably that would be my score, sian... Maybe studying in the wrong direction? Zzzz to the max..

Anyway, the statement is rather true, isnt it? We tend to reveal more about ourselves to people we trust.. I mean, not literally reveal in terms of clothes but in terms of your background, character etc etc.. As people progress from strangers to friends we disclose part of our lives and laugh at our own weaknesses as we share among the group; we gradually know more about each other, their likes and dislikes, their attitudes, the portion of behaviour we dont like about each other etc.. Maybe 'cos i tend to trust people too easily, i sort of leak much of my characteristics, good and bad, rather cheaply.. Sometimes it earns me some friends and accidental popularity, which i really never intend to earn anyway; sometimes it helps me to realise the darker side of some people i thought were initially ok but took advantage of my weakness and build on it, thus earning some unwanted attention..

i dont know now, am i considered attention-deprived? I always recognise my biggest weakness is my failure to consider politics inside any relationships, friends family etc.. I almost certainly fail to consider the side-effects of whatever actions i make, and that doesnt even include the 'stirring shit' kind of stuffs, which i know is just for fun but what i'm more wary of is the stuffs that i DONT hear.. Which is why i just couldnt do a good job in showing mask A to the people i like and mask B to another group of people, and mask C to people i dont like.. I'm pretty much what-u-see-is-what-u-get kind of person, though i at times really dislike this characteristic of mine... Am i in the wrong place of this world? Is my character unsuitable for a place here?

Perhaps what everyone has been trying to tell me is true, wake up u naive boy, the world is darker than it seems though it's bright and sunny and enjoyable but it really isnt... But then again, what ulterior motives can i hide? A person broken into pieces and still in the process of fixing up after 2 years cant really do something sinister, right?

Something inside me just says, "do whatever you think is right and fits your moral values, and you have nothing to hide, and nothing to answer for..."

I think maybe i'm not really suitable for giving tuition, lol maybe i read too much but the maths midterms said alot about my preparations and my illusion on how ready i'm for anything...

back to the books, but first its sleeping time =/

gum to mug

2009-09-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

stressed spelt backwards becomes 'DESSERTS'

mug spelt backwards becomes 'GUM'

studying spelt backwards becomes..... well i dont know lol

Really sia, when my friend wondered to me why do i think that i'm lagging in my studies when i'm clocking almost 500% more time than him in school, and for a moment i cant think of a good reason.. Am i studying hard but not studying smart? Or am I in the wrong course? Either way when i reflect back and do one of my favourite hobby: pondering, i realised how much time is spent in school compared to home.. Cant help it but the letharginess just took over when i reached home and really, i dont have much energy to talk... Maybe some short replies here and there and that's it.. Sometimes i wonder, is this uni life?

Further ponderation (hmmm weird england lol) digs up more revelation; maybe i should look more at myself than to be so readily pointing fingers at stuffs around me.. If i ran out of energy, all the more i have to dig deeper to find new sources; if i ran out of ideas, all the more i should prod deeper to think of more.. But when the heart's willing, the body refuse to cooperate and gave up.. OH man really am grateful i got a thursday freeee hahah, not sure if its worth having it but i just so so gonna enjoy my FREEEE thursday sleeeeeping at home lol...

give me some gum to mug, and desserts when i'm stressed...

what makes me angry?

2009-09-04T21:31:00.004+08:00

Fated, just after i handed up my mno tutorial which is exactly of the same question, something cropped up and made me furiously angry for the first time in like months... How do i describe, pushing away so many events and skipping the first FOC meeting, just to end up receiving the call that my tutee was sick and tuition was cancelled... Immediately i went up to kovan to purchase some gundam painting stuffs and tried buying slippers unsuccessfully, halfway through my mom called me up, then i realised i had made a wrong move today.. Instead of going up to indulge in my last minute planned shopping spree i should have went to the temple together with my mom..

Oh, so blinded by anger i actually forgotten about my dad...

Which is why i hated feeling anger; it covers ur eyes from the important stuffs that you have to do... Precisely that reason i've been trying hard to change myself from an angst-filled kid to someone better, to learn that everything happens for a reason and keep that rising temper under constraint as i search for explanations and answers to every imperfections this society can offer.. But at times when i failed badly i'm often engulfed by a sea of guilt, wishing that things had never happen, wishing that i could find some answers, wishing that i could have done better...

and so i finally completed painting a model i'm stuck at since uni life officially started, in which the process was filled with guilt and frustration..

Lately everything at home isnt very smooth; i could sense rising waves beneath the calm ocean.. Even so i feel like a grain of sand, totally powerless to do anything besides knowing that one day the ocean might burst open and conjure up a violent scene, and can only hope that it will subside when the chaos start...

in memory i remember
all the peaceful times i've enjoyed at home
all the laughters and jokes i had with friends
all the tough times i went through, with family and friends
all the mistakes so that in hope i would not repeat them foolishly again

my my, i think the consecutive days of mugging have already taken its toll; guess i'll take a break tonight so that i can clock in more days of mugging in the year ahead..

keep on running

a very emotional post

2009-08-21T16:33:00.000+08:00

It's as what the title suggest, so just carry on reading with a pinch of salt.. No offence but dont come throw slippers at me just 'cos i'm too emo; as a matter of fact it is part of my life already and also a driving force to uphold my life motto, "keep on running"...

*
**
***
**
*

As i reached the place for the safety video viewing, just basically a video on traffic accidents *gross*, i saw a fellow 'passer' in tears.. I guess he's too happy and he shed tears of joy and relief.. Which makes me thought back to the amount of tears i tried to hold back when i see the word 'passed' in bold and caps lock in the test slip...

Are they tears of joy? definitely yes but not exactly...

Tears of regret? Not exactly but definitely yes

I realised, when my bro got his license he was under strict probation by my father... Now its my turn and my bro most probably will be taking over his role as a strict probator.. i sure rue the missed chance of being able to drive my whole family around in a car proudly with a hard-earned license but this aint gonna happen anymore; its just regretful i have so many unfulfilled wishes in my life and i'm still not yet 21 at all... And i remember how unusually calm i am when i'm taking the test today, unlike the first time when i was really a ganjiong spider with 8 legs all tangled up and i flunked it.. the calmness is something like when someone familiar and close to you are sitting right beside u when u driving, giving you a sense of assurance and a even greater effort in making sure you drive carefully.. i dont know how to explain exactly why, but when i reached home and took off my jeans,

i realised,

it was the pair of korean jeans i bought during my last ever full family holiday in 2006...

i am in no religion, 'cos i only see reasons and (pardon me) not God.. But there should be a reason why it was raining so heavily during my test and somehow cleared up almost at the time when i passed it.. the mystery of the unusual sense of calmness suddenly became clearer, if not solved.. He will be always in my heart and be there whenever i need strength... I was reminded of my reasons for learning driving and definitely its not solely for myself...

thx pa, i passed driving le..

survivor

2009-08-16T16:20:00.000+08:00

i survived!! haha enjoyable but end up with nasty abrasions instead of my expected muscle aches and becoming 'lame'... oh wells i might be able to walk normally tmw, i hope lol

oh man i'm feeling shagged again, *faints back to bed*

run

2009-08-15T22:18:00.001+08:00

AHM...

Some may think its unlucky to talk about last words or anything, but i couldnt think of a more crucial timing to other than the eve of a running event, ie marathons or half marathons or even just a 10km fun run.. I dont know if its just me, but i cant help but notice a spike in the number of sudden deaths in recent years, its kinda scary if it really happens near you, and of course for my situation i dont want history to repeat itself again, so yeah...

but then, i dont know what to write either! lol... then maybe instead of talking about this (if it really happens) short life, i would rather talk about thanking all the people who have made an impact in my (again if it really happens) short life...

My family,
My few buddies and good frens that i can die for,
My kindergarden school mates whom i've lost contact with,
My marist frens from primary to secondary,
My CJC 1st 3 months frens,
My SAJC classmates and fitness people,
My BMT Ninja platoon mates,
My 30sce frens
All my teachers, school and tuition
and last but not least NUS frens from Excalibur and Mario, both freshies and seniors

and of course, , thank you (your name)for magnanimously treated me as a sincere friend and for making an impact on my life

All the way for AHM!! keep on running

trials

2009-08-12T23:17:00.000+08:00

Actually i dont know why i signed up for teamnus floorball trials... maybe it was the burning desire to represent school in a sports, after all after nus i dont think there will be any chance to do these kind of stuffs again anymore... So why not try to achieve all this as a freshman?

But the results today was somewhat numb, from the numerous times of experiencing the same feeling human beings can feel pretty normal already when the emotion strikes... Yes, it's disappointment... Cant calculate how many times i was disappointed and unhappy over missed chances in life... Although this time round it was a talentless me trying to get in into teamnus and quite obviously failed badly, the sense of failure and dejection just seeps in nonetheless..

and school term is merciless on freshmen whose brains are dumb-ified by the army, plus learning a totally new language in uni is not fun and easy at all... nope its not some foreign languages but Programming... sian where's all my determination when i chose this course even though i knew it will not be an easy one to take?

shall not frown over it anymore, 就算失望，也不可以绝望

for the so many people in my life, family and friends, keep on running dude

keep on running

August, next step of life

2009-08-02T00:58:00.002+08:00

Alamak i just realised its august already, and its the 2nd day! lol...

Finally after such a long wait uni's starting; i cant really say i'm looking forward, neither can i say i'm dreading it.. It's really just a somewhere-here-or-there kind of feeling, i guess for almost the whole of the aspects of life most of us, if not all, carry this feelings when we are about to face it.. The truth is i dont know what really lies ahead, and it doesnt helps that its a totally new course in nus and so many cock-ups have occured, no nerves had been calmed down in the buidling up to the start of school.. And unresolved questions and problems persisted as the start of school looms towards us..

Too bad the FOW camp clashes with the round 1C, the 'bidding breaks' in between the activities and the headaches from the bidding in the comp lab are sucky to the max, and unfortunately it really takes out most of the fun in the camp (lol talking about the fun, the bandana with the M really looks like the cross between samsui woman and MOS burger worker, no offence :P) And really mental shagness wins hands down to physical shagness... Castello is physically shagged from the activities and lack of sleep, but this FOW feels like 3 Castellos back to back, can die u know hahah.. Blog halfway and felt sleepy zzz

a solid post next time, promise lol

突然

2009-07-26T02:00:00.001+08:00

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

of birthdays and farewells

2009-07-19T01:56:00.002+08:00

Finally finished attending the 3rd birthday in 3 days, this is shagged man lol...

QT's departure from SG to aussie land has arrived, so fast.. While its kinda sad for one of my best buddies to leave for further studies, he will be back in november so ok i will make a note on the day in Nov once i know the exact date :D Its 10 years since i've known him, which is pretty long actually since we are only 21 year-old kids.. Such a long time full of joys and laughter and suddenly he will be missing much of the next 3-4 years in SG.. And ct popped up a question on whether it was worth the effort, since i was enthusiastically helping out in organising his chalet and the only friend to stay throughout his 3D2N chalet.. I didnt have any second thoughts and replied "Yes.." He is one of the best buddies i can ever made in my life and being me, someone whom can form pretty strong friendships but are unable to maintain most of it, having a best buddy is something very rare for me and i dont think i would wanna regret losing it... No matter what others may say or criticise, they would never understand the special bonds i formed with the few best buddies i ever have in my life.. Once bitten twice shy, i wouldnt want to feel the pain and regret after losing something important again in my whole life....

I guess its great to see all the fitness people again after so long at kevin's birthday party, too bad it ended too early :X oh yeah and the juniors also, though only 3 came.. And eh kevin puked after the party, lol paiseh man... After that me ben yx zc and josh went out to bedok area for supper and some nice long chat about the 'good' old days in SAJC; its kinda nostalgic to bring back all the memories and had a great laugh over all the funny stuffs... From our CCAs to studies to results to army to uni orientation camps to relationships, it was actually a very good catch-up with all the dudes that i survived with during the harsh JC days in SA.. As we prepare to move on to our next stage of life who knows how often we are able to meet up in the future, but i guess our short but colourful friendships will be staying for long...

Actually, i didnt have any regrets over anything in the relationship, only the manner that it was ended in a very forced situation and the events that followed almost directly after... It was a nightmare that haunts me every now and then but its the only motivation to keep me strong and moving...

祸不单行

2009-07-15T14:12:00.001+08:00

what is this?

what is this familiar feeling, the frustrations of meeting setbacks which increases with every effort to get back to your feet and tries to move forward, only to fall right down again..

the NCO years, JC results, BMT, driving, and now this..

why the fall is hardest when the more you are trying your best to meet expectations, only to fail?

troubles just dont happen alone; they come in bunch

and even my comp is throwing tantrum at its owner, really

i guess i wont be online that often for awhile =/

new divide

2009-07-13T21:44:00.002+08:00

shall post a solid concrete one next time, but Linkin Park never fails to strike a chord within me with their songs... They are just pure awesome in my opinion hahah

New Divide - Linkin Park
I remembered black skies
the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash
as time began to blur
Like a startling sign
that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason
to prove me wrong
to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
the distance in your eyes
Give me reason
to fill this hole
connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide

There was nothing in sight
but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide
the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in
between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason
to prove me wrong
to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Across this new divide

In every loss
in every lie
In every truth that you’d deny
And each regret
and each goodbye
was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason
to prove me wrong
to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason
to fill this hole
connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide

changes

2009-07-03T12:18:00.002+08:00

Everyone should have read it somewhere, be it newspaper column or magazine or even horoscopes.. Yeah that quote which asks us to do something different from our daily routines, be it an extra flight of steps, skipping a few bus stops through walking or even trying out a new breakfast set from the usual bread-and-butter..

Today i tried something more hectic, somewhat radical changes to the daily routine..

1) 6 hours of sleep
ok i guess i've slept too much for the past 2 days, sick in bed.. Wednesday was the scariest day by far; who would have thought a diarrhoea will cause you fever, a great confusion within your head, and you ends up shivering in cold sweat on your bed having weird dreams over and over again.. Yeah thats how i spent my wednesday afternoon alone at home.. Not that it's something to complain, its just that it serves as a good reminder how important health is, and the opportunity costs to it (i had to skip an interview whose job earns $10/hr, and an outing with qt to buy his birthday celebration) sian to the max, like what ken say i really need more luck zzzz...

2) Tried doing 3 things in 1 go
This is actually rather hectic; first i load clothes into my washing machine and let it do its job, so maybe i had around 30+ minutes before its ready.. Then i tried eating breakfast, a light one with 2 slices of bread and coffee, while cooking lunch! Lol thats when i wished i was an octopus hahah.. Really an interesting time when i multi-task like crazy.. Stirring porridge while munching my bread away, cutting cabbages while drinking coffee in between, ensuring the porridge dont get burnt while i putting out the laundry and finally settling down for a somewhat breakfast part 2, the remainder for lunch later after i finish more chores..

3) Planning my schedule ahead
Alrights this cannot be considered as a radical change 'cos i'm almost always in the planning mode, though sometimes its called 'daydreaming' hahah... Right now i taking a break from breakfast part 2, then i guess maybe finishing up 2 more chores before settling down for lunch proper, and then cleaning up and going to the library to return and borrow books.. Should be meeting up with friends for dinner i guess, not before buying a screen protector for ken's gf.. Hmmm a day well spent and hopefully smoothly executed..

4) The sudden brainwave
As i was making myself busy with multi-task this morning, i had this sudden lightbulb blinking up in my head.. Like most part of life, isnt it really about doing laundry, eating breakfast, cooking lunch all at the same time? What i mean is at no point in life are we solely devoted to doing a burden-laden task, be it working, household chores, stuffs that we feel stressed and forced doing it and are rather unhappy with it.. For example when i'm eating breakfast, i was wishing someone could have been there helping me to look out for the porridge or loading the washing machine.. Its similar in life that we are always wishing people around us would offer their helping hands and share our burdens, but how many times do we actually request sincerely for it? It might have been human nature or simply the stupid word 'pride'; but most of the time we would just swallow it down and carry on doing.. Some may crumple from the stress of the burden; some blame the whole world for their plight when really they are refusing help and care most of the time, the 'strong outside but fragile inside' kind of people; but there are plenty who would just say, "If life gives me lemons, i will make lemonade!" or similar philosophies; they just keep on walking, believing that there's really a bright end at the tunnel ahead.. And i think from a bleach manga collection the 1 benefit i've gained from the numerous rereadings is that in times of crisis, the mutual support from everyone is very important.. Is there any advantages if we were to add in even more feelings of anger and hatred into the crisis?

Allow me 1 last time to gloat over my failed plan before ORD, but had it been successful i would have been working now, optimistically with a class3 license and really having much more fun than now... but then again, life's never about looking at the past but rather walking towards the future...

i dont know

2009-06-29T23:44:00.003+08:00

July's coming, and looking back it was a total mess since ORD.. Everything went way off the plan that i decided before ORD, and that is damn sian... And now uni's starting and i dont know what to expect of the road ahead..

At least orientation was good; met alot of nice peeps and not very surprisingly meeting someone whom is connected to my bro, his primary school friend is my AGL =_= ok lah havta face up the fact that Singapore aint really big afterall..

1 month plus after the desvastating failure at the ubi driving test centre i'm still feeling drained and somewhat dry; dry? I dont know, its just the feeling of loneliness and disappointment adding up together, and not to mention my family 'declaring war' on me, as if they are the only one suffering and i'm enjoying myself.. Its futile but i really wish he is still alive and well, at least everything will be in a much better shape than now and maybe life will be much smoother not only for me but everyone else...

Yeah right its a lonely road ahead...

如果我变成回忆

2009-06-18T22:47:00.002+08:00

累了照惯例努力清醒着
也照惯例想你了
好怕一放心睡了
心跳在梦中不听话的就停止了
听着呼吸像往常拍动着
越美丽越让我忐忑
我还能珍惜什么
如果我连自己的脉搏都难掌握

如果我变成回忆退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己如此狠心
如果我变成回忆终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你看晚霞落尽
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以让他陪你我不怪你

快乐什么时候会结束呢
哪一刻是最后一刻
想把你紧紧抱着
可知你是我生命中的
最舍不得

如果我变成回忆退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己如此狠心
如果我变成回忆终于没那么幸运
没机会白着头发
蹒跚牵着你看晚霞落尽
漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈
若有人可以让他陪你

如果我变成回忆最怕我太不争气
顽固地赖在空气霸占你心里每一寸空隙
连累依然爱我的你痛苦承受失去
这样不公平请你尽力把我忘记

realisation

2009-06-15T18:27:00.004+08:00

Today at the job interview, the manager asked some crunching questions that brought me new realisations that I've never really pondered; absurd, given my nature of being very godlike in the skill of pondering to the point that it becomes day-dreams...

Questions like, "Would you commit to our company once you have graduated from your uni?" "Our job here is different from the course that you are taking, so in the future i suspose you are furthering your career in the degree you are studying?" "Would you make a career switch to this industry in the future?"

The future... Suddenly i remembered the future that i plotted out; it happened on the day when i received my O'level cert in 2005 and saw my points for the exam.. Single digit, 9 points, a score beyond my wildest dreams.. I was so happy that night I sort of planned out how my future would be like by 2009.. I shaped it the way i wanted, then thought about the ways of getting there..

That dream was totally crushed within 3 years, and the next 2 years was nothing but a living hell physically, but more of mentally.. As I walked out after the interview (damn didnt get that job 'cos i wasnt 21 YET, must be by the minute and not by the year zzzz) I felt the familiar sense of emptiness making its return after almost 2 years.. It was as if I'm a shell, with nothing inside.. Nothing to expect, nothing to achieve, nothing to aim, nothing to gain...

I guessed I've reached a point that cannot be described as negativity; it's now pure staring at the cold hard fact that I'm facing now everyday.. I dont know how much more disappointment i can withstand, especially after the big Dream crashing down in front of me.. The eagerness to avoid disappointments always end up fueling more instead.. If they say success and achievement are the product from multiple failures and disappointments, then i will just simply state the economic law that i remembered from JC1 Economics: the law of diminishing marginal returns...

Anyway i came across an interesting passage from a book i've read recently.. It just wrote, "Negativity is a part of human nature; simply proven by the fact that everyone pays attention to any plane crashes or accidents or any bad news, but no one asks about 14,389 planes landing safely in airports worldwide."

Crude humour, huh? zzzz...

keep on running

2009-06-10T22:18:00.002+08:00

Our Singapore President, SR Nathan said, "In life we cannot stop things from happening; but when it happened we must have the faith to carry on with life.."

keep on running, no matter how tough and discouraging it might be.. I am, after all, the only runner in my own marathon of life...

sigh

2009-06-05T23:10:00.002+08:00

2 posts in 2 days... It means something is wrong, though not yet terribly wrong...

I've forgotten when was the last time i actually avoided going home on purpose after settling something outside..

Home, to me, just dont feels the same to me for awhile...

Ironic, huh? I've always treated home as if i worshipped it..

But what happens when the very people you cared for turned their backs against you?

Or at least, that's the impression and feeling i've got at home now..

keep on running

2009-06-04T00:25:00.003+08:00

I cant believe it either, but i'm back to the running route 3 days after completing (err ok, walked most of it zzz) sundown.. Before i forgot to mention, while running i had to skip past a moth the length of my forearm! Huge enough to cover my face... Damn it was monstrously big, its kinda scary lol... Is it a Venomoth?? LOL... Anyway yeah, had alot of stuffs going on in my head so figured maybe running will clear up all the rubbish in the agenda and correctly order all the priorities.. Alot of stuffs going on in my head? Man, this statement's gonna disappoint both mom and bro; they always assume that i'm just not thinking enough.. For the record i'm always thinking, but maybe not so much on the sensibility and the common sense side... Ok i admit i'm a born daydreamer =_=

Which made me realise how much i've drifted from this family in these turbulent 2 years.. Ironic, huh? We're susposed to be more tighter and united, but the crisis just made everything looked scarily clearer.. Everyone are just not true enough to each other; i mean what we in Chinese words say '耍心机' shouldnt even be used especially in between family and friends, but i'm seeing it everywhere, and its very frustrating when you are powerless to do anything especially in households, except to join in the game.. Something to clarify by my term of 'family' i also include second and third degree members, for eg grandparents aunts uncles cousins etc.. To say i never ever use the '耍心机' will be false, but i've seen its effect and i dont like one bit.. To strangers yes, it pays to use as a cautionary measure especially with all those marketing or similar stuffs like that, but i would prefer not to on family and friends, unless provoked..

Talking about the marketing schemes or similar, they can boast about how much they can help you earn within a short period of time or promises huge passive incomes, but i still wont join in the end, even if it means missing a golden opportunity i will still give it a miss. Why? Those people will never understand the powerful tool family support can give to a person, especially me.. If i were to take up a very unpopular choice in life right now, the opportunity cost of suffering the condemnation far exceed that of the money earned (if u earn) from such schemes.. And how come i dont hear from them when the economy is good? But anyway to point out the fact that i was a hot target for it since i'm in a single family will especially highlight the fact that family support is even more important in these crucial times.. I dont really care if i could earn big money and use huge cash to buy massive bungalows or super branded cars (For the record i dont really have dream cars, i just want it to be fuel efficient and most importantly, 4 wheels =D), but whats the point of having these if the very people you are earning for dont agree with your methods, though legal but still unorthodox? I havta apologise to my friends for rejecting such a massive massive opportunity, but i cant afford to undertake such a risk, at least in these ravage times..

Ravage times... Shouldnt people unite and be brave during such crisis? When the '耍心机' faces came out i knew straight away they wont learn any lessons... In case you are wondering, i'm in fact are still running at this point of time, maybe 8km into the distance i've clocked... Nono i dont mean i'm blog-jogging (blog-jog? sounds vulgar lol...), this is the actual trail of thoughts i had while running.. Yeah, instead of clearing and pressing the F5 button i added in more thoughts, zzzz... Better not to hang out the skeleton in the cupboard out and dry in blog i might as well change the subject.. And so i tried running again, man i vowed not to touch my running shoes for the next 3 weeks or so but i'm back into it within 3 days =_= The starting 4km is, well, not very smooth (all the more after skipping past Venomoth and scaring the hell out of me) due to a very dull pain on the left chest.. Yes yes i've heard enough medical advices to know that i should stop running and rest.. Not that i didnt stop but the pain persisted, so i carried on anyway =/ *ok it did disappear in the end*

I actually fell in love with running! For someone whose napfa didnt even pass or get a silver from primary 5 all the way to J2, it's somewhat qualifies for the Noble Prize for Slob-turned-Runner award, if there's one... It started when i signed for 42km Stanchart.. At that time i didnt even attempted a half-marathon before! So of course i had to train for it (For the record, again, i didnt even participate in AHM during army.. really!) and the training process made me a fan for running.. My favourite part of running is when your body reaches a stage, which i described as the 'warm-engine' stage, whereby it become effortless to coordinate breathing and the movement of your legs.. The euphoric feeling as if you will never ever run out of energy is simply indescribable.. I did reach warm-engine in Stanchart, only to succumb to, i'm telling the truth, cramps and simply the pain of tired muscles tightening up... Its quite normal actually; its the body's SMS to you to stop running and rest awhile 'cos it exceeded its performance limits..

Halfway completing Bishan Park, my body sent a SMS reminder to me that i've just finished Sundown and almost immediately, i came to a halt with a sudden exhausted feeling.. Man, i sure havent recover much... For my growing interest in running, i have only regretted that i'm not blessed with a body suited for running... Back injuries, poor stamina, born with a right leg longer than its left counterpart, you name it.. The sole reason why i joined stanchart and hopefully the subsequent ones is that i dont want to wait til the time when i cannot run anymore, most probably my back problem, then i regret not running when i'm able to.. My back problem sometimes hinder running, but the only way to overcome it is to just becoming stronger, thats all.. If Johnnie Walker says, "Keep on walking.." Then i guess Brannie Runner will say, "Eh, keep on running, loh.." *sounds gay lol...*

Which brought me back to the ravage times topic.. When will people learn? Will they wait til one day i was discovered lying on bishan park dead, wearing a stanchart singlet with Nike shorts and Ascis shoes? Seriously sometimes childishness just seemed to increases with age...

Wow, what a long post, i'm shagged *faints and lands on bed properly*

tired

2009-05-25T20:45:00.004+08:00

For the past week i've been challenged so much by the question that is still pressing as ever, even right now... What's the meaning of being in a family? No matter how much i thought about it, i still cant find the answer.. If there's one thing that remain unchanged after dad left us, it had to be the lack of cherish in even the simplest things in life.. Things like food, family warmth, being family members etc etc have all been overlooked by petty quarrels and the insastible hunger for satisfaction..

Some people asked me why am i so addicted to gundams... Firstly, it's not an addiction; i'm merely charmed by the ideals that the term gundam depict in their so many different stories, be it Gundam Z, ZZ, G, W, X, Seed, Seed Destiny, 00, 00 s2, they all have some common storyline: they see the injustice of the world they are in (well i'm not so sure about G though hahah), they felt bitterness and they vow to change the world and their destiny with their own hands, behold Gundams... Secondly, the Sangokuden series are not the one i'm talking about; i'm merely collecting them 'cos i'm a fan of Three Kingdoms (novels, Dynasty Warriors, manga and now the gundam series).. The painting starts when i saw how dull it is without colour, simple as that.. They are on facebook so as to make my profile look more... well colourful i guess lol...

I'm not dreaming of piloting gundams mind you, i'm just attracted to the fact that our destiny are always on our own hands (maybe 10% of it couldnt be controlled, biologically... you know what i means).. Sometimes its just scary when u are lying on ur bed and realise that you just dont know what the future lies ahead.. For example just plain considering the fact that you are studying in a local uni for the next 4 years brings up alot of issues, like the source of income bank loans the common worry of whether-you-will-study-well etc etc.. Actually i'm not complaining, i'm just more of a thinker and plotter; think and ponder just about anything and then plotting out plans..

Which comes to the biggest dilemma of being just a thinker and plotter: i'm very very bad in executing my plans.. The best evidences? The failure to prepare properly for this weekend's sundown, failure to study properly a book of programming i downloaded from net, failure to get a source of income after so long since ORD, and much much more... Damn it for having such weak willpower...

I sure hope this upcoming sundown marathon will be the pump for my willpower =/

*alrites i've lost the blogging bug halfway typing lol... this post have neither heads nor tails zzz*

failed

2009-05-20T13:16:00.001+08:00

in the end, i've failed

judgement day

2009-05-19T22:10:00.002+08:00

Finally, tmw is may 20th, my tp test date...

The day, where i've been throwing my money into lessons for so long, has came at last...

earthling

2009-05-11T20:51:00.003+08:00

Nothing short of a confidence crisis =/

Sometimes its just so frustrating; why would i bother to go take up driving lessons had i known it will carry along so much problems that seemingly only i among the rest face? I cant help but to feel envious of people whom actually enjoy their driving lessons.. Feeling kinda screwed 'cos the instructor gave me a vote of no-confidence in the upcoming test and still went ahead to further pull down my already low morale... To add on to it my mom and bro tag-teamed on me about the mounting expenditure of the driving lessons.. Cant they just give me a break? I'm already depending on my own savings paying for the lessons, almost hitting 1.8k which has already overshot my budget, another source of irritation definitely...

I really really really really wanna pass it first time, as a second would meant definitely breaking the 2k mark, but the odds are really against me.. I cant stand it when they say i'm not putting in efforts; wth?! Why would i wanna spend more than 150bucks every week just to get scolded and screamed at? Why would i actually REJECT job offers because i havta go for lessons on weekday mornings?! Why would i wanna wake up at 7am just to get screamed at and affecting the mood for the whole day as the result?! Why would i wanna endure all those damn situations in hope that i can pass first time?!

I just wanna do it for my family, period... No one knows fully how valuable the license meant to me.. But the harder i try, the odds just seemed to become higher for me to overcome..

Man, do i feel drained really....

heavens

2009-05-07T21:48:00.004+08:00

In 2005 my dad underwent a stem ceel transplant operation.. It was a gamble as it was not assured and confirmed that stem cells, the origins of all cells, are able to combat cancer effectiviely.. The operation went ahead still, with a tough difficult gamble to handle... But he didnt undego alone; another man, a Chinese from Indonesia, also took the same gamble.. They became friends in such times of extreme uncertainty, as they battled along just to make sure they can be with their families and friends for as much time as possible..

2 years later my dad lost the battle...

Yesterday my family received the news that he had also succumbled to his illness..

I dunno, i just felt quite sad really, no fancy words, just sad... To describe whether its about feeling being cheated by the hospital, i wasnt really sure... I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they had tried their best in both cases, but even that i wasnt really sure also.. Which sort of affected my mood for the whole of yesterday and today; i couldnt concentrate on anything, driving games or studying.. Life is just too unpredictable and harsh sometimes..

I hope they will be leading a better life in heavens when they meet up with each other =)

R.I.P

deep abyss

2009-04-30T22:46:00.002+08:00

I guessed, and i confirmed, that time wont heal all wounds..

Just when it seems to heal, the wound burst open again and plunges me back down the deep dark abyss i've been trying so hard to climb out..

But time just dont understand, 'cos all i want is to climb out of the abyss, nothing else...

Frustrating that things just dont seem to go smoothly as i wanted...

i just want that damn license so i can lessen the burden of being the only driver in my home, why is it so difficult?

自爱？

2009-04-24T15:28:00.004+08:00

Was at my grandparents' just now for dinner when i came across the headlines of 联合晚报, it was an extract of a yet-another ultra frank comment by Jackie Chan.. It goes something like this 'cos i dont remember the whole thing but the idea of it,

“我想要在新加坡吃口香糖，但是我不能，因为在这里是犯法的。我不明白为什么，在美国，中国，香港都可以，但我到了这里人们跟我说不可以。我问了他们，才明白为什么会变成犯法。新加坡人吃完了之后，把它粘在椅子，巴士座位，地铁门缝等等。没有公德心的人民，就是没有自爱。没有自爱的人民，政府才会要管....”

It will not take a rocket scientist to predict that Singaporean cannons will be assembled out at the Changi airfield and taking aim at Jackie Chan, whichever country he is at now lol.... Ouch, the truth does hurts, doesnt it? A while ago he was being bombarded for criticising the media in Hong Kong and Taiwan for having too much freedom in speech, now his target shifted to the country he had been to just a few weeks ago for the promotion of 'Shinjuku Incident'... But i guess i agrees on his viewpoint, maybe we are both of the same category of people: imperfect beings but having an extremely frank, though sometimes overly critical, views and comments on situations so plain obvious, people are avoiding speaking out of fears and various reasons.

'There are no smoke without fires'.. There's no denying that the 'cause-and-effect' theory always apply to every incident or misunderstanding in human relations, but sometimes people just overlook this and blames the whole world except themselves..

难过　是因为闷了很久
是因为想了太多
是引力起了作用
你说　苦笑常常陪着你
在一起有点勉强
该不该现在休了我
不想太多
我想一定是我听错弄错搞错
拜托　我想是你的脑袋有问题
随便说
己经猜透看透不想多说
我怕眼泪撑不住
不懂　你的黑色幽默
想通　却又再考倒我
说散你想很久了吧
我不想拆穿你
当作是你开的玩笑
想通却又再考倒我
说散你想很久了吧
败给你的黑色幽默
说散你想很久了吧
我的认真败给黑色幽默

back to singapore, back to reality

2009-04-17T23:42:00.002+08:00

sidetracking abit, after having a near-death experience while driving 2day at ubi, i decided against shouting out in fb... But now i blogging about it, contradictory huh? Alrite la i'm much calmer than morning, so this is juz to be another normal brandon-style emo post..

Ok i'm back, damn sian.. as what i msged fat boy the day after i returned, reality bites back so hard, i cannot stand it (i wonder why he never reply to ask me to sit down), the week hols in taiwan was enjoyable to a large extent, except for a few one-off incidents.. Not that its a new experience, i'm damn sure almost everyone will feel like this when they come back from hols.. but this time round, i dont know.. Looking at the road ahead makes me wanna give up before i even wanna set foot on it.. Sometimes i hate myself for being so weak, but the discouraging atmosphere that envelops the mind and the demoralising thoughts that clouds my judgement are stuffs that i cant seem to be able to stop..

i shall squat on my chair and think deeply then :S

为什么这样子

2009-04-06T17:35:00.002+08:00

我想，这应该是我第一次在我部落（格？）用华语吧，感觉满新鲜的，哈哈哈哈....

突然有灵感要用华语来写，多亏了jamin (hahaha 还是‘嘿门’？）帮了我，才可以在电脑上这么做，谢了！明天就要出国了，心情却不怎么，反而怪怪的。可能学车时压力太大了，被教师臭骂了好多好多次，所以心情也许很低落。心情低落时，一个人在家打打扫，玩玩电脑，看看电视，偶尔的收拾房间跟准备出国的行李，脑子就不禁胡思乱想。想到刚刚在课堂上所遇到的事情，想到以前所发生的事，心里难免会觉得更加闷。难道我们的社会就是那么的现实，那么的残酷吗?

很遗憾，我有个我认为很小但是别人却不这么认为的毛病：就是学习能力很慢，但肯定不差。我始终都以一个很认真的态度去学习，但往往都会被人抛在后头。我家人也好，某些老师也好，朋友也好，我大概已经忘了被遗弃几百次了。有时我很懊恼，越努力往上爬，跌得就越痛；我却不能不再接再厉地往上爬，因为这社会就像龟兔赛跑一样，快的事不会等慢的。今天突然有个前所未有的深感：我很累了，我已经不想往上爬了；跌入谷底，就跌吧；越深越好，我也不想爬了。

好啦，心里是这么想，行动上我觉得不管路怎么煎熬，我死也要撑下去；因为要是放弃了，就会辜负我背后太多太多的人了。真希望从台湾归来，运气会更好，心情也更好！最好是可以找到工作吧！哈哈

前几个星期，在节目上听到了一首耳熟的歌，终于知道歌手的名字... 虽然算是老歌，但伤感却深处。六年内所得到的伤痕，在听到这首歌之后，又爆开了...

苏永康 - 相爱太早
当我们再度相视微笑
成熟的心有一点苍老
许多的伤痛都已经忘掉
记忆里剩下的全是美好
你我都找到新的依靠
过去对错已不再重要
其实我们都清楚地知道
心里还有个划不完的句号

只怪你和我相爱得太早
对于幸福又了解的太少
于是自私让爱变成煎熬
付出了所有却让彼此想逃跑
上天让我们相遇得太早
对于缘分却又给得太少
才让我们只能陷在回忆中懊恼

lost

2009-03-26T21:57:00.002+08:00

Time flies, its been almost 3 years...

Yesterday was my buddy, or should i say ex-buddy's 21st birthday.. After so long the ice wall is still high and mightily strong, i am powerless as ever.. Didnt leave a note on facebook or even a simple sms..

Then i realised i've lost so much things during the past 3 years.. It had to be the most turbulent period so far..

I guess the only thing i didnt lose is my life :S

dinner

2009-03-20T22:36:00.004+08:00

yet another driving lesson which got me damn low again, to pay $400 per month just to be screamed at by some dirty old man, fuck... yea yea this is juzscreamnshoutok.blogspot.com, did my url come back and haunt me? !#$%^&

Anyway went to the jobfair with zz, hoping to get some catch in temps... Alas after spending almost an hour doing our resumes at the booth there, it turned out most wanted permanent jobs; and so many other job agencys set up their job booths there, u really have to wonder if its an agency gathering instead... Nevertheless i got some interesting informations around in the fair, think is worth my afternoon spent there..

Then made my way to grandma house for dinner, since mom and bro werent available.. Went there to help out in the cooking and half exhausted 'cos having woke up at 7am (totally not used to it) and walked the whole hall 6 in the afternoon.. After some miscommunication and the clashing of the woks and pans, what surprise i had in the dining table

it was only me eating yet there are as much as 7 different dishes on the table staring at me.. For some reason i felt happy, it was as if there are no more worries and sorrows in this world... Then the cruel fate blurred my vision with tears as i tried my best to consume my dinner...

It's an old repeated fact,

but going back to the place you grew up

and thinking about the efforts the folks there made to whip up a sumptous meal just because you return for a visit,

it just made all the sufferings and the pains you endured through really worthwhile

its the simplest joy and comfort life can ever offer, really..

Ops.ORD phase 2

2009-03-16T13:58:00.003+08:00

Ok this is late, but phase 2 of operation ORD was done and over with the collection of pink i/c and walking out of the camp for good...

Cant help but wonder, what lies ahead of the future? Which kind of path my destiny will lead me to? Will fate still be in within my control?

i walk alone

delinquent

2009-03-10T22:05:00.002+08:00

This place just set to become more emo as time goes by... Who would have thought troubles increase as the ORD date is nearing... But really, today was a very bad day..

Yet another disastrous driving lesson.. I dont see the point if every lesson is setting the new low in terms of morale and of course, money... But today is really bad, i havent been scolded as jialat before, even though this could have been my 10th or 11th lesson already.. Really felt damn lousy for the whole day, even 3 different games cant seem to cheer me up, let alone the internet msn facebook blahblahblah... The temporary ease of pain when i visited my grandparents' for dinner quickly subsided during my journey home alone in the bus..

Why, increasingly in every lesson, am i scolded as if i'm a delinquent?

Or is it the result of so many days taken off outside camp that my self-discipline took a tumble?

Am i not the person i thought i am all this while?

Yeah i havta admit i'm kinda cold sometimes, 'cos really i am bad in verbal communication.. I also admit i am a slow learner; i cant seem to grasp hold of new stuffs the way my acquaintances do, i always learn through mistakes no matter how hard i try not to repeat it... Sometimes i dont know if i should carry on my misery or to just get it over and done with, increasingly i'm beginning to lose focus in alot of stuffs... Be it driving, learning programming or even training for sundown just 2+ months away, i cant put in 100% and get distracted so easily, i'm really afraid i'll give up everything when i hit the boiling point... Being alone at home doesnt help, i mean i dont mind staying at home but not with this fucked-up mood.. I also disliked showing depressed mode when outside with friends, 'cos really i don wanna end up brawling in front of them..

I only know i've put in my very best efforts in all the stuffs i've done; but after today's session, i'm not sure anymore if efforts really pays off in the end.. If the end-product of trying hard every lesson is to make more mistakes and worsening degree of scolding, then...

Adulthood

2009-03-09T11:10:00.003+08:00

I fear becoming an adult..

Previously i have no qualms about it; it's just another inevitable stage of life we all have to go through.. But after yesterday's dinner, i was getting more uncertain than before the road that lies ahead of me.. Yet another family dinner with my grandparents were ruined by petty squabbles.. As usual i tried my best to cheer the atmosphere up, but when grandma turned her face against me, i knew the celebration was over.. Yeah its susposed to be my grandfather's birthday dinner, but because of a small incident it became a domino effect; everyone was so blinded by anger it destroyed what susposed to be a joyous event with nice food..

Ever try eating while feeling down? No matter how many dishes you try, they only have 1 taste: bitterness.. I was glad grandpa brought a bottle of martell as he enjoyed it mixed with cold water on rocks.. So i followed suit, except that mine had so much more martell even after mixing it got the same colour as my cup of chinese tea :D So i drank and drank, but i forgot 1 important stuff all drinkers should not: dont drink with a dull feeling.. Just 2 cups and i can already felt myself smiling at nothing and feeling light-headed... Perhaps this is how i express myself when i'm feeling damn disappointed and disillusioned by the grown-ups; if my destiny is to grow up and behave like them, then i guess i will allow fate to pull me along as it deems fit , 'cos suddenly after watching them arguing and bitching around for so many years, i felt quite numb at it.. Where's the family warmth now? Even now i think my best family member has to be my computer in my room, kinda sad... Even in a bad day like this there will always be a hero rising up to the occasion.. This case, well, 2 heroines whom are my 2 young cousins.. Somehow in their own small little world of fun and laughters they managed to turn the situation around and bring smiles to not 1 but both of my grandparents.. Not even the usual bubbly pet of the family, me, could do.. I guess i'll have to pass down my ranks to the 2 little ones now lol..

The best food of the day? It had to be the martell..

transition

2009-03-02T20:23:00.003+08:00

was wondering whether to put this up on a note at facebook, but i decided not to in case this turns out to be another ultra negative post, even though i didnt mean to initially, so well here it goes...

Finally can pack and bring duffel bag home, it's phase 1 of Operation ORD lol.. The way i see it, clearing your cupboard is just like an archaeological dig; the deeper you dig the further of the past you'll reach.. As i 'uncovered' items by items through the mess (ok i dont usually pack my cupboard hahah) it's just like a replay of your whole NS life right in front of you.. From the days of being botak to short hair to now much much longer hair, certain stuffs just somehow bring back loads of memories, both sweet and sour, back to your head..

The month of December 2008, where i took one of my biggest challenge so far participating in Stanchart'08.. It's where i cleared my long-time nememsis, SOC which caused me to be a private for so long.. And not forgetting my first trip to China where i learn more both about the country and my cousins whom i didnt grow up together with..

The month of August, the biggest exercise we all had been training for months, i can still remember the jubilation at the end of it... Totally cool..

The month of January to March, the toughest course attended in my service time, adding on to the mental stress from the previous months.. But the toughest times no doubt are always the most memorable times, even better if you went through it with a group of supportive people..

The month of December 07, the month i want to forget for obvious reasons, i couldn't think of a lower point in my life other than that.. Adding on to the lack fo support i had from my camp, its just made my day worse than worst.. I had to force myself to recover from the brink of total destruction for the sake of many precious family members and friends, and when the side-effects kicked in, i couldnt do anything else but to face it myself; it is my own battle with the demons inside.. I'm still fighting, and who knows which will be the winning side?

The month of October 07, the month i made my hardest and the second-most painful decision in my life so far...

The month of June, where all hell started in my newly posted unit, where i was given a kick to the gut at the time when i needed the most support i could get...

The month of March, my enlistment day and the 3 months that followed were and still are the most enjoyable periods i had throughout the whole service term: BMT.. But with one regret of being unable to pass ippt in order to advance to command school...

It all ended when i sealed my duffel bag, all the replays of the memories in my head.. As i looked on to life after ORD, i cant help but feel a cocktail of emotions; both joy and uncertainty. The current situation outside just says it all: There are 5 times more unemployed people than jobs offered at the job fair.. Really, i cant help but to compare the life in camp to the outside world.. It's like venturing out of a sheltered place where things are relatively comfortable at the cost of your freedom, to somewhere where you now have absolute freedom but life is not always a bed of roses.. My point is proven by a few of my friends ORD-ing a few weeks earlier; the anticipation to the day did not lived up to its expectation.. Within the happiness comes a sense of loss; within the loud cheers of "ORD LOH!" comes a cloud of uncertainty hovering above..

All the sudden the road ahead seemed precarious; you just dont know what lies in fornt of you.. Something bad, like a banana skin waiting to make you slip? Or something desirable, like a $50 dollar note waiting for you to pick up? Optimists will say, well we are the ones who will create the so-called 'banana skins', so cheer up we are in control of our fate.. Pessimists will say, well the road are full of 'banana skins' so we have to be careful.. Realistic people will say, well i will avoid the banana skins if i see one, and pick up the $50 dollar note if i see one; fate will decide what i will get... To speak the truth i'm not quite sure which category i fall in...

It does feels good to bring the load home, but as i walked out of the camp gate under the rumbling dark skies threatening to pour, i cant help but wished in vain that someone was there to fetch me home.. He was there for so many points in my life; he fetched me to tekong as a recruit for every book-in, he fetched me into the unit i got newly posted to.. He drove me to nee soon camp for my first plant enginer course, but he was unable to for the second course in Jan'07 and the subsequent book-ins to Jurong camp.. When i ORD, he will never see my pink i/c again... Dad, i really wished you were there... Quite frustrating that i havent completely gotten over it after so long...

Putting aside all these thoughts, walking out i could hear myself muttered as i turned my back against this camp for the last time as a NSF (cos the next time i'm a civilian lol),

"ORD, loh...."

indeed

2009-02-25T22:44:00.001+08:00

man's greatest enemies is no one but himself

indeed how true,

be it engaging new challenges,

learning something that is completely alien to you,

frustrations during the course of learning,

or just simply getting on with life,

if man cannot overcome himself, he will never succeed

i'm struggling

我放不过我自己
转一圈回到了原地
眼泪是一种提醒我很爱你
让一切归零
我放不过我自己
仍相信爱会有奇迹
人群中我正逃离
我抱着你
我们的爱情
还未完待续

please

2009-02-14T19:25:00.003+08:00

****editted****

sigh too disturbing le, so unlike of me, guess i just replace this whole episode with a simple lyric bah

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

i'll still draw

2009-02-02T13:10:00.002+08:00

i had two very different viewpoints from the 2 steamboats i had for the weekend.. the first one was at TW house while the second one was at my grandma's hse, and next sunday i have 1 more :S getting fat eh? hahah...

i think i enjoyed the first one more; it's sort of a reunion. yes i have finally decided to return to mshs, abid a more simple withdrawn role in the committee.. initially was quite reluctant, having disappeared for so long, plus being naturally shy i was quite short in self-confidence.. but although not many people turned up i was glad to be there, its been a long time since i had fun with a bunch of SJAB guys.. Oh i havta know the recipe for the soup base from TW hahah...

The second one, welll i dunno.. although i loved returning to the place where i grew up every week, the adults just dont seem to get it... Petty rifts never fail to spoil the mood and somehow i always havta be abit of a clown to bring even the slightest smile to the household... Its really depressing to go back every week hearing nothing but complains... Yes every family member in the household has his/her own weakness, but isnt it the very basic function of a family to accomodate and compromise in order to live happily in the name of peace? It was the same old story yesterday, even though it was susposed to be a reunion dinner... As i expected it was a reunion dinner in name only; with so much petty hatred between everyone wtf is that dinner susposed to mean?

Feeling sad i immediately transform into a clown, admittedly abit of a failure, to bring smiles to as many people as i can... I dont want to get involved in anything; this is the place i grew up, i will make sure the dinner will be done in the most peaceful manner, no matter how fake it seemed to be... I just cant bring myself to criticise anyone from my maternal grandparents' household; i'm not like my brother who will not hesitate to be critcal against any relatives except our paternal grandmother.. It doesnt make sense, right? If i grew up being spoilt by my maternal grandparents as according to many of my relatives ('cos i dont eat fruits, lame isnt it?), then i'm glad i have learnt some very precious values from the household in balestier.. Be grateful to the people who brought u up; Cherish every single one of them; Enjoy every moment cos you dont know what will happen tommorrow; Live life as it is, simplicity is everything i ask for... Admittedly if i were the one 6 years ago i wont be saying anything near to this; but these 6 years and the stuffs that happened, i HAD to grow up, right?

The 1st opening song of Hitman Reborn! (i cant find the english translation so i juz type out from the anime)

Drawing Days - Splay

An angel without wings told me
he had lost the map to go home
Powerless, i took a paintbrush
and poured water onto dried paint.
Even if those eyes lose their light
I'll still draw
Even if these hands lose their strength
I'll still draw
A colour that wraps everything together
A prayer that put all my wishes together

i'll still draw

只是回忆的音乐盒在旋转着, 要怎么停呢

2009-01-29T14:03:00.000+08:00

你的绘画凌乱着
在这个时刻
我像气氛纯白的白鸽
甜蜜散落了
继续莫名的拉扯
我还爱你了
但你断断续续唱着歌
假作没事了
时间过了走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了倦了我哭了
一开始都不快乐
你用卡片纸写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了

怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢
我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了
开心与不开心一意一心数着你在不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不懂了说好的幸福呢
我错了泪干了放手了后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒在旋转着
要怎么停呢

pain

2009-01-23T18:35:00.002+08:00

yeah i still feel the pain...

Pain when u have not make a clean break from things u used to hold on them dear... Its hard to let it go, its even harder to move on from it.. As ever so true, 男人流泪比流血加倍心痛.. I hardly ever cries; it just seems to be in my genes i guess lol...

谢谢你陪我陪爱停雨追风
谢谢他给你给爱另一个星空

Maybe i needa get out of army asap, it really gets more and more depressing as the days go by.. By 3 weeks the people i'm living with for 80% of the past 1 yr 9 mths are ord-ing, the weekend after they are gone i'm confined for some stupid event in the army...

ARGH man i cant wait for ord, really...

lyk machines lyk owner

2009-01-02T16:55:00.002+08:00

i havta admit, i got a set of depressing electronics around me :D

Feeling frustrated again, like wow for the umpteen times.. Seems very difficult to do things when somehow u have a plan in mind that others dont know, so they assume u are very rash and reckless in doing things... oh wells! if i havta explain everything i do to gain everyone's understanding, then i rather go around and earn everyone's misunderstanding hahahah... This is no absolute world man, not everything can or have to be explained, wont they understand?

'N my electronics arent helping me much.. Playing both my handphone and mp3 players on shuffle mode, i kept hearing blues music (u know, those slow jay chou songs and songs that touch nerves in me)... My modem threatened to hang up on me this morning, but luckily it cleared up for me to blog now :/ SIGH even machines have moods, and they somehow coincide with their owners...

and thanks to army, i'm spending the next 6 or 7 nights in camp...

oh wells

1 down 2 to go

2008-12-29T23:31:00.001+08:00

from this...

to this

1 down 2 to go

2008

2008-12-28T21:32:00.003+08:00

alrites....

i guess i'm alot better than i expected during the start of the year when this day arrived... Yeah like finally i'm 20 years old in the 29th... I havent had a good feeling during birthdays for the whole of this year... Surprise surprise Lam Chih Bing's birthday is the same as mine and he was from Maris Stella High O.O like wow hahah...

But really, i thought i would be damn emo today and tomorrow; 1 year isnt enough to heal all the injuries i had from 2007. So ok i'm just a little on the emo side today, especially during the fitness outing this afternoon. Fitness? Tough times i had in the 1 and the half years in the CCA at SAJC, but it was thoroughly enjoyable and memorable... If i had any regrets it have to be one thing: the brandon of the 2005-2006 fitness era is dead.. 2007 and 2008 were the life-changing points in life; i just dont feel the same anymore.. I can never be as lame or as hard-willed as the guy i was during the 2 years... And as if fate has a say, my SAJC 'class of 2006' keychain broke off yesterday when i tugged my house key out of my jeans pocket..

And in reality i feel really shagged; partly 'cos from a china trip that i didnt enjoy much at all, the rest from the exertions from NS.. At last my NSF life has nothing left to throw at me, thankfully i have already cleared everything that was expected of me. But i cannot ignore the drain it had on me; how many times did i numb myself through work and doing all the shit during this NSF period? I initially thought it was impossible to spend so much energy doing something else such that at the end of each day u would be too exhausted to be emo, but in fact it can be done. I never had so much relief when i saw my workload ended on the day i passed my SOC; it's like 11 months worth of efforts paying off in front of you.. With the end of 2008, i hope i wont be numbing myself through work again in 2009

i wont be celebrating my birthday again this year; i havent seen the need to. In celebration i meant fancy dinners and birthday songs, i guess i would break down if i hear the most popular song in the world. And i really dread the 21st one, i dont feel like having a tradition grand celebration as expected in my family as for now... Wont they understand? my father was there when my bro turned 21, but he will not be when it is my turn next year

ALRITES i'm not feeling depressed or sad, just plain emo hahah...

happy birthday, i hope 2009 will be alot better for me...

As if! i cant imagine how would i be happy if i can foresee tons and tons of things waiting ahead of me...

1st on the list: find a private driving instructor and settle all the irritating stuffs i gotta do during my course of learning driving... SHEESH! who would have thought learning how to drive can be such a hassle....

2nd: paint 3 boxes of gundam!

3rd: finding a job to fund my allowances after ORD!

4th: decide on my course of uni! its my last chance!

5th: should i go back to MSHSJAB?

6th: enter uni and survive it for the next 4 years!

omg......

overseas

2008-12-12T16:57:00.002+08:00

ok i will be leaving for China this sunday, actually monday morning if you consider it at 1am... Be back at boxing day, which is the 26th dec (wonder why so many people ask me wth is boxing day?)

The morning and afternoon packing today made this trip all the more unappealing; i just dont look forward to it at all... But then again in order to enjoy this trip i have to clear up and embark with a positive mindset, right?

OK like finally i'm promoted =_= very hard to earn this damn rank can? MUST pass soc knn... though yesterday was really damn lucky, i'm just relieved to clear it before the end of this year... Looks like i have nothing to fear once i'm back to camp next year :)

alrites den, cya

stanchart

2008-12-08T20:23:00.001+08:00

ah yes lol

42km?

2008-12-06T15:13:00.003+08:00

Finally the day arrived...

I dont know whether should be happy or wad, or even scared of the mere distance i had to cover through running.. Yeah my first marathon, i didnt even participate in the 2 Army Half Marathon in my whole NS life can? So really i was kinda scared..

What if i cannot cross the finishing line, be me dead or alive?

What if i give up halfway?

What if i injured myself during the run and unable to get the shirt i wanted so much?

What if....?

Oh wells damn those thoughts, i guess i have just enough amount of willpower to cross the finishing line in 1 piece, do i?

gambatte!!

during my wed guard duty, my head only have 1 song...

潘玮柏 - 转机

凌晨的飞机

随歌忐忑飞行

从相机里面正视着回忆

背景是层影

我哪里都不想擦去

到哪里痛楚计算清

怕遗憾拖远

易碎的情绪我收听

想你在一起

我却身不由己

你每次伤心我每次缺席

遥远的距离

我以为我们的爱情

誓言里还会有转机

没想到陌生机场

写下结局

各自的转机

我放不过我自己

转一圈回到了原地

眼泪是一种提醒我很爱你

让一切归零

我放不过我自己

仍相信爱会有奇迹

人群中我正逃离

我抱着你

我们的爱情

还未完待续

priority

2008-11-26T15:24:00.002+08:00

Guess blogging nowadays has already lost its charm hasn't it?

Alot of people asked me why i take off today, and i just replied, "Cos i 'song', wad..." Yeah right as if i'm feeling very 'song'.. Today's my dad first year death anniversary, at least on the lunar calendar. The 'english' calendar states that it is the day after my stanchart marathon, which pretty much sums up why i train for the race so eagerly, run until my knees are quite sore like an old man... At 8th Dec i wanna show that i've gotten that 42.195km finisher shirt, i swear..

1 year has passed, and i guess its time to wake up from the slumbering mode i've held on for so long.. With the january batch of recruits ord-ing already, the time has come to think about the future, which i tried so many times throughout the whole of this year but failed miserably lol... So i think starting off with setting priorities should be a good choice, bah? u know, stuffs like finding jobs after uni, the choice of uni and its courses, whether to get a degree and some 'major, minor or wad?', and so on... That should be all bah, i guess some other stuffs can come after i've sort out the messiness in life right now; i dont wanna drag anyone down with me really..

Then again, my priority now is,

find a doctor for my desktop! Someone help!!!

think

2008-11-16T12:12:00.003+08:00

The most memorable thing for this week was the slight glimpse of happiness i realised in myself, when my whole platoon was told that they might be confined at friday night for a simple mistake.. Unbelievable, being happy and relieved even though i'm unable to book out on friday night? Not adding all the nonsense that happened on friday itself, recent events just seemed to turn an otherwise normal situation upside down, totally... For a moment i was wondering, wtf is a place called 'home' anyway? I mean, there is a reason why i have a HDB unit in 1 of the flats in potong pasir which i called it 'home', not 'coffee shop' or 'mini-mart', and i've lost that reason for the pat 1 week or so..

ALRITES now i have found it, but thinking back that period of time it really was quite thought-invoking... Man its troublesome to say why i've lost it, rather what i was thinking is just what is 'home' in the first place?

A place to eat shit sleep and play comp?
A place for you just to sleep?
Or what?

For the first time in my life i was forced to challenge my answers to the question above.. It was weird and frustrating 'cos i, unfortunately, took alot of things for granted but really never anything about my family and my 'home'.. For awhile deep in my negative thoughts i really thought being in ARMY CAMP is so much better than my 'HOME' !! But thankfully, i am conscious enough to separate logic and negative thoughts.. Up til now i couldnt be sure what are my answers; i'm not even certain whether i HAD one in the first place....

So whats yours?

cheesshh i was so shagged after spending a night at qt house, like finally he's back from wallaby... Gotta go sleep, they say enough sleep makes one look younger by 20 years... OMG i'll look like an infant lol...

off-guard

2008-11-06T22:04:00.005+08:00

Friday off, sunday guard -_- lucky manu vs arsenal is at 7+, so can at least watch before booking in.. But no psp mp3 or even books for guard duty?! omg man zzzzzz.....

Sigh but what a week, suffering from on-off kind of flu, u know those kind that wanna come out but decided against it every hour for 4 days... Lol almost died-ed from the soc rts at tues and thurs mornings, i wondered how did i manage to come home and blog after all hahah... Very very bad timing to fall sick, can feel the stamina dropping ahead of the dreadful stanchart 42km run... ARGH MANNNNN WHY DID I SIGN UP IN THE FIRST PLACE?! its like i'm no good runner in the beginning.. But perhaps i guess this is some sort of a challenge to gauge how much i've grown for the past year, which reminded me about birthdays... Geez the time has come for the last 19 year ol' kid left in my platoon.. Then again, i somehow have a phobia about birthdays; it just dont feel right, or rather i just cant get into the correct mood for birthday parties...

1) Sorry TW, about my attendance during your 21st bdae bash
2) Sorry Jeremy, for not attending your 21st bdae bash
3) Sorry to all my family members, for not celebrating your birthdays
4) Sorry cousin jieying, about my mood during your 21st bdae bash
5) Sorry, especially to all my buddies and friends whom i did not remember your bdaes

Some things are just too hard to overcome, arent it? Which i concluded this year i wont be doing anything when the day comes... It'll just be another normal day....

If somehow i can cross the finishing line for the 42km, it'll be my GREATEST achievement yet, even better than getting 9 points for o'level o.O ok coupled with not-too-fantastic results in psle and a's, and of course alot of other studies-unrelated stuffs... Hmmm no choice but to keep myself healthy and run more for the last 1 month before the actual day.. Man times flies from the minute i registered for this marathon, it's already 3 months gone... 3 months of exercises with the concluding one at thailand cresendo, lots of shit stuffs in army camps, this 3 months spent were really pure army... So pure i had disconnected from so many things: buddies, family, my gundams, and just pure enjoying myself doing things i really like...

i guess its time soon for another "observer's post", must wait til i sort out my thoughts before putting in a meaningful one, instead of just rantings in here...

sick

2008-11-02T01:20:00.002+08:00

ok finally i'm sick O.o

after watching my platoon mates rotating around the sore-thoarts and the runny-noses and the coughing-like-an-old-man among themselves, i FINALLY caught it =_= sigh seems lyk my dear ol' comp has an affinity with me; we both fell sick together *lol* but thankfully i managed to solve quite a few of them... n how the heck i got this crippling neck pain? not as if i had acct this week, and this is alot much worse than the one i had, acct and icct combined zzz... to sum up the bad day i got this big bad bruise up on my shoulders from the massage i had for fixing up my neck ARGH HELP ME MAN....

but actually dont need my platoon mates i can also feel it coming... cant help that i seemed to forgot how to sleep again for the umpteen times.. sometimes i dont know why but be it afternoon nap or a night rest is always interupted with an untimely nightmare: my past...

smokin' modem

2008-10-26T13:31:00.002+08:00

I've seen smoke coming out from TVs...

I've seen smoke coming out from CPU monitors...

I've seen smoke coming out from a toaster oven =_=

but my modem?!

sigh, somehow it gave way to a new subscription plan at a higher speed with lower fees... Call it blessing in disguise?

I think jay chou new album.. eh not bad lah just that his fast songs even if i follow the lyric book, i cant decipher what the heck he singing lol... nevertheless after 彩虹 another song struck a chord within me, track number 2

给我一首歌的时间
作词/曲：周杰伦
编曲：林迈可

雨淋湿了天空毁得很讲究
妳说妳不懂为何在这时牵手
我晒干了沉默悔的很冲动
就算这是做错也只是怕错过
在一起叫梦分开了叫痛
是不是说没有做完的梦最痛
迷路的后果我能承受
这最后的出口在爱过了才有

能不能给我一首歌的时间
紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远
在我的怀里妳不用害怕失眠
哦如果妳想忘记我也能失忆
能不能给我一首歌的时间
把故事听到最后才说再见
妳送我的眼泪让它留在雨天
哦越过妳画的线我定了勇气的终点

雨淋湿了天空毁得很讲究
妳说妳不懂我为何在这时牵手
我晒干了沉默悔的很冲动
就算这是做错也只是怕错过
在一起叫梦分开了叫痛
是不是说没有做完的梦最痛
迷路的后果我能承受
这最后的出口在爱过了才有

能不能给我一首歌的时间
紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远
在我的怀里妳不用害怕失眠
哦如果妳想忘记我也能失忆
能不能给我一首歌的时间
把故事听到最后才说再见
妳送我的眼泪让它留在雨天
哦越过妳画的线我定了勇气的终点

哦妳说我不该不该
不该在这时候说了我爱妳
要怎么证明我没有说谎的力气
哦请告诉我暂停算不算放弃
我只有一天的回忆

能不能给我一首歌的时间
紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远
在我的怀里妳不用害怕失眠
哦如果妳想忘记我也能失忆
能不能给我一首歌的时间
把故事听到最后才说再见
妳送我的眼泪让它留在雨天
哦越过妳画的线我定了勇气的终点

妳说我不该不该
不该在这时说了爱妳
要怎么证明我没力气
告诉我暂停算不算放弃
妳说我不该不该
不该在这时才说爱妳
要怎么证明我没有力气
我只有一天的回忆

run away

2008-10-11T22:52:00.005+08:00

Running was good; it helps to sweat out all the stress from your body... the long awaited Zhao Yun, completed long ago bt upload only now :S

from this...

to this...

the horse...

and finally the full model

and in the end i bought him

very plain as usual so he's under construction nw :P

the dark side of humanity

2008-10-10T22:38:00.003+08:00

Very bad day, i finally understand why i hate and am grateful about the army so much.. Contradicting feelings, yes, but true, army just proves to me the ugliest side of mankind, well at least singaporeans.. A short day today allowed me to see most of my platoon mates' ugly sides, so long in army with only 5-6 more months to ORD... The selfishness alone was already very suffocating in the office, let alone greed, senseless words, anger, frustration...

I realised i was very affected by it, 'cos i found myself wishing that this whole episode just had to stop.. At a point of time some of them felt so alien to me... Are they the ones whom i chionged with during cresendo and all the exercises over the past 1 year? i couldnt recognise them at all for the period of time...

And when i reached home at 9pm the gate was locked; the house was still dark, as though it was empty ever since morning.. Quite obvious my family's argument wasnt settled ever since i booked in last weekend... Seems like i havent recovered from last year ordeal after all

life sux

frustrations (con't)

2008-10-04T00:45:00.002+08:00

It didnt get better, will this ever ends?

Kinda sucks when u are stuck in between two feuding parties; it's either u are the 'holy messenger' or u just feels downright useless for being unable to improve the situation, especially if u are part of the cause for argument :S

For a long time since i'm able to decently understand human conversation i've always been a cause of tension and argument; either i was too 1) well taken cared of, 2) being pampered, 3) spoilt, 4) not being asked to do stuffs instead or just because i'm the youngest at home :S Actually i'm ok with it, after all i didnt choose to grow up alone in grandma's house being my own playmate; in fact that was the happiest moment of my life.. True i wasnt of much help even after so many stuffs happened to this home, but at least i tried cheering them up by being a clown at the correct occasions and standing out whenever help is needed.. Yet when this home needs another driver i hesitated, not because of the price but because i simply have not enough faith in myself being on the wheels.. i wont imagine myself being steady enough to drive from point A to point B with 3 precious lives in it... Let's just say self-confidence ceases to exist ever since a long time ago... and also the reason why i cease being part of marist SJ

yet when i'm bounded by the chains of my past, this song just echos loud in my room

一盏黄黄旧旧的灯
时间在旁闷不吭声
寂寞下手毫无分寸
不懂得轻重之分
沉默支撑跃过陌生
静静看着凌晨黄昏
你的身影失去平衡
慢慢下沉

黑暗已在空中盘旋
该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端
无法存活在真实的空间

想回到过去
试着抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜

想回到过去
试着让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

思绪不断阻挡着回忆播放
盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁

frustrations

2008-10-01T23:07:00.002+08:00

weird, huh? being on off from today until sunday then book in and unexpectedly i felt so frustrated just being at home.. Yeah did i mention before in the previous posts that being in home is like entering my 'boulevard of broken dreams'? I know, i know, everyone was like hearing me wanting to go MO get mc for being 'homesick', but that's just a harmless joke..

i'm saying all this 'cos i think i'm caught in the middle of the argument between my mom n bro... OH FUCK IT its a son arguing with his mother and i'm somehow the centre of the whole hoohah.. Spoilt my mood for dota, oh great and it doesnt help that my modem kept d/c halfway thru the game 'cos we are sharing the modem =_= ARGH it just feels so sucky right now being in my house, i just wanna go out and take a breather.. Both are so stubborn and possess a fucked-up mouth that spew poisons when threatened... i guess i'm not that similar to them, though sometimes i do get too critical in my talkings...

FUCK LAR actually i do have a topic for a post, but this stupid stuffs have to screw everything up... so its just pure rantings rantings and more rantings, oh wells i dont know when the next real posting will come

SIGH

detachment

2008-09-20T23:20:00.002+08:00

Strange, i'm feeling kind of detached from many things i do for this week... Just went out with ct nico and sandy, i came back feeling empty; everything seemed so detached, so unrelated it's just so weird.. For a moment i wasn't lame, i wasn't random, i suddenly lost alot of words to say or to talk cock with.. Zzzz maybe 'cos i just had my 2nd duty of this week, or maybe i bumped into my ex-buddy from SA at the mrt station while waiting for bus to go bugis meet them..

Not really bump lar, just that i saw his backview as he walked past behind me and went down the escalator.. Man i really wished i could ran up and say hi, or he would tap me from behind, but it never happened, maybe not happening anymore.. Can't help it, can i? i single-handedly destroyed the path i walked during and out of SA, i in my worthless arrogance burnt down the bridges of relations with people from SA; it's a mistake i will never recover, and i guess i'll live to regret in times to come... zzzz i'm turning emo elmo again *lol* man but really, i need someone to kick me up in the ass to start painting Zhao Yun gundam before new (nice) ones come out later this year.. ARGHHH but its too complicated

**SCRATCH MY HEAD AND PULL HAIR**

dang i also lost the mood to blog halfway....

sapper star

2008-09-09T23:40:00.002+08:00

ahhh feels good to be at home, enjoying the solitude surroundings to the fullest and plain joy of sitting in front of my computer...

frankly speaking its been helleva experience in thailand; there's so many stuffs that we wont have a chance to do in singapore, like hardly when does a big bunch of guys armed with their personal scoop share a tub of water during bathing time? or toilets that ban toilet paper LOL! hmmmm i wouldnt say it's a bad 18 days spent, rather a period full of lessons life itself can teach us during our short lives...

Had this mini exercise that caused us to walk around the rural areas for 'navigation' o.O just as well, i could have had a first-hand experience on the daily lives of a normal thai farmer or a shop vendor.. Sounds corny but i really felt very lucky but kind of jealous at the same time; lucky 'cos i really couldnt imagine myself living their lifestyles but yet jealous of their seemingly content expressions when they look at us.. Ironic, huh? Happiness and standard of living are almost always inversely proportional.. Guess its miraculous to feel happy and content being a Singaporean -.-

If i can use 1 word to describe our platoon during the stay in cresendo, it had to be: greed.. I mean, it's one thing to be excited about new stuffs and experiences, it's another to indulge excessively in ur new finds, be it thai ice creams, imitations, food etc etc.. Often i found myself frowning at some of them in the shops, and the fact that it doesnt help having almost 1000 SAF personels in the camp made the situation a whole lot worse than i could imagine.. Maybe its just me that couldnt stand such behavior, so i kept my tongue still but still frowning nonetheless :S anyway for the exercise i was quite glad for the deployment, not because i volunteered *again* for advance party, but that my section actually chiong for the digging of shellscrapes, all 8 of them completed by 6 guys... OK 7 but 1 of them is a faggot so i hardly consider him a guy let alone section mate... Really tremendous effort by our section; 1 fell sick during advance party deployment; 1 always report sick straight after deployment; another 2 whom are really fit physically but mentally not for deployment, only 1 sgt almond i mean edmund who can camou plants and tonners but cannot dig and me who have a very bad back... OK 1 more faggot... But suddenly that mountain pig never report sick, ron actually completed his own shellscrape *thank god*, wei ming could actually dig 2 purely by himself and chip in in ANOTHER 2 shellscrapes, man oh man was i touched by their efforts... thanks guys for making our last deployment a success..

The r&r was terrible; spending 65% on bus travelling from point A to point B isnt something we were looking forward to before we come thailand but it juz happened to come true... sigh if only i can spend more time at the floating market i could have enjoyed myself more...

anyway what i found the place most interesting are the graffitis left behind by countless people who came, saw and left... jolted down a few of them for this post :S

"Life is something happens while you are planning something else"
how true...

"We are the unfortunate
led by the unqualified
to do the unnecessary
for the ungrateful"
the last sentence hit me hard; how many singaporeans, male or female, dare say they appreciate the efforts of the army? how many of us bother to say hi to the soldiers, like what the thai natives did when we went past, instead of shouting "ORD LOH!!!" ?

C.O.M.M.A.N.D.O

Combination Of Mind, Muscle And Nerve During Operation

or izit

Carry On Many Missions And No Day Off ?? LOL

G.U.A.R.D.S = Guards Usually Are Really Dumb Suckers ???

PR.I.D.E = People Rest I Do Extra
typical singaporean attitude...

and rounding off this post a poem i find it deep in meaning...

"Lies come full circle
I've been in too many cycles
I'm stuck in the middle
Sucked my emotions dry
Til I weep and cry

Lies complete revolution
It's too late to find a solution
It's the end of the line
For whoever you can find
Defend me, build me a moat
Don't wanna be a scapegoat

Fear comes full circle
Couldnt be saved even if there's a miracle
Too late
End of fate
Blessings go
Overtaken by sorrows

Fear completes revolution
Heating up, too much friction
Have to let go
Or else I'll blow
Don't act like you know, show me no pity
Cos' you have no idea how hard it is
Being me"

我要一步一步往上爬 在最高点乘着叶片往前飞

1 more to 300!! no no the spartan 300..

bad hair day

心跳

trust

gum to mug

what makes me angry?

a very emotional post

survivor

run

trials

August, next step of life

突然

of birthdays and farewells

祸不单行

new divide

changes

i dont know

如果我变成回忆

realisation

keep on running

sigh

keep on running

tired

failed

judgement day

earthling

heavens

deep abyss

自爱？

back to singapore, back to reality

为什么这样子

lost

dinner

Ops.ORD phase 2

delinquent

Adulthood

transition

indeed

please

i'll still draw

只是回忆的音乐盒在旋转着, 要怎么停呢

pain

lyk machines lyk owner

1 down 2 to go

2008

overseas

stanchart

42km?

priority

think

off-guard

sick

smokin' modem

run away

the dark side of humanity

frustrations (con't)

frustrations

detachment

sapper star

我要一步一步往上爬在最高点乘着叶片往前飞