//...strike!...\\

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Okok I'm 'cheena', kay?? But i can't help sensing a cloud of regret hovering above me... So here it goes...

一盏黄黄旧旧的灯
时间在旁闷不吭声
寂寞下手毫无分寸
不懂得轻重之分
沉默支撑跃过陌生
静静看著凌晨黄昏
你的身影失去平衡
慢慢下沉
黑暗已在空中盘旋
该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端
无法存活在真实的空间

想回到过去
试著抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界,
想在你梦的画面
祇要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜

想回到过去
试著让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

思绪不断阻挡著回忆播放
盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁

Haix... Ethernal Misunderstandation... Today see the whole class like so dead, can't help feeling sad too.... Saw my PW group-mate Fidelis weeping quite pitifully during PW tutorial, not really sure why she crying... Itried to muster courage to ask her whether okay or not but failed.... *sigh* I think I got the CH v1.3 virus....

Farewell Jason, I know you wouldn't be seeing this but still, take care dude... And be a MAN, do the RIGHT thing! Don't forget about S72 and the girls who shed tears for you....

//Brandon struck at 2:21 PM\\

Monday, August 29, 2005

If my memory didn't fail me, I gave out a really random outburst in the cafe.... Well not really that burst, cos only about... 2 guys were beside me? Actually there were 4 people behind us, and when i meant behind, is literally BEHIND, back to back... Wonder if they heard us, cos some of our '3 muskerteers' complaints revolved around the 4 of them.... I said alot of senesless stuffs and complaints and so on... But when I was on my way to MSH, i started reflecting on the words I've said a few moments ago...

Am I right to say I'm often left out? Well partially, cos I, to some extent, left MYSELF out of the class events *if there's any* maybe my socialising skills ain't that good though... I'm not really that good in speech, thus I can only express myself thru words or just some damn downright broken english... hmmm I really look forward to the day where the whole class can gather together without any barriers between us. In reality, I have never been competent; I often fared badly in almost everything I've done, be it serious work or not. That contributed to my AULSE (Abnormally Ultra Low Self-Esteem). I thought that was natural, cos what can u get out of someone who spent his childhood playing with himself and the toys around him? Yep, I grew up in the world of dinosaurs and the unreal (not undead mind u...). I often change the whole face of my grandparents' flat with my powerful imagination, be it Jurassic period or the backgrounds of my favourtie cartoon shows it really isn't any feat to me... I also became very curious when i'm periodically bored of my 3 boxes of toys. I would roam around the whole house and started rampaging through every single drawer and closet... Well not really rampaging, just checking the content :D

I think I have some responsibility over what had become of today. If only I can muster enough courage to express myself through speech... Another thing is that I thought the people in S72 seems abit... superficial? Eh but really no offence, it's just my inner thoughts... Superficial but not in the bad way, just that 4 months on we still don't really understand each other... Of course during the early period in SA I practically put on a happy mask to school every morning, only to reveal the frustrated tired worn-out face when alone in my room... Now I'm quite okay now, not donning any masks... Hmmmm if all this cloud of 'fakeness' remains (fakness souds abit too hard, but can't find any other words :P), it's really no wonder that sometime later somewhere, quarrels and misunderstandings would break up among the group of people which we used to thought 'good friends'... I don't want that to happen, for god's sake...

Ethernal Misunderstandation, the 2 words that I came up with (my previous blog name), will that be my fate for the rest of this life?

//Brandon struck at 5:38 AM\\

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Jus realised my classmate Jason is leaving our class to study at Canada in 2 weeks' time... Wonder how the situation will be when the day of separation comes, but I have to admit i'm not very close to him cos.... shy?? No lah but I have the sense of inferiority when our bunch of guys crowd together to talk cock. He just seems so Cool with capital C. Our class is really one hell of a kind. After spending about 4 months in SAJC with my class, I realised how unique our class can be... All of us are special in one way or another. Well here's a summary of the classy 05S72 that (arguably) rocks my socks off =P ermm if anyone of us chances upon this, pls PLS dun take offence, I'll treat u lunch if you are really SERIOUSLY offended....

From small Serene(Kee) to big Benjamin,
from funky-funny FeyMun to boring Brandon,
from full-of-joy Jamin to crazy-bucket-of-joy Jonathan,
from puny PunHon (huh?? lol...) to ah-beng-lookalike WeiJing,
from full-of-words Darryl to full-of-silent-words Cheng Hong,
from gun-wielding Joanne (NP mdm wor) to drumstick-wielding Moses ( BAND drummer wor),
from LT-jacket-wearer Jinyan to (sometimes) LT-missing-person Jason,
from ecstasily-in-love Elsa to looks-judgement-maker Marcel,
from missing-pair Clarrisa and Amanda to ever-present Fidelis and Michelle,
from wah-look-so-fierce LayYoong to wah-look-so-gentle Serene(Quek),
from eh-where's-ur-eyebrows Piak (oops) to eh-wah-u-really-used-hairwax Yuqian,
from wa-kao-knn-why-results-so-good Jeremy to incredily-bhb Imran.....

well that should be how my class sounds like, but because I'm quite a bore, so.. you know I'm not that socialising, maybe those will change in the future... but for now, i shall remain as a nobody in the class.. Heh Heh Heh :D

//Brandon struck at 1:33 PM\\

Friday, August 19, 2005

argh nvr felt such acheness in my body for quite some time loh... aching frm head to toe, ouch... today run 2.4, luckily got a E.. but hey i'm relieved, nt a great runner here u noe.... heeee but who cares?? n later on go gym work out chest n biceps n triceps... tt's why aching so badly now... tmw oso got gym training... omg save me... MEEEeeee....

juz had the weirdest dream i ever had on tues nite, or rather wednesday morning... i dreamt i'm back in CJ, in the classroom where i've spent an enjoyable time in... i saw all my ex-classmates in that dream... wow... then dunno why my SA classmate suddenly appeared... i dunno how to describle, too hazy le leh... hmmm wonder whether is good omen or nt... yea have watched the project superstar shows... i tink junyang n kelly will enter muahaha... even though the 'stone' xinhui is much MUCH better than kelly, i still prefer her to enter... junyang partly cos he's ex-saints, n i got his image in my phone (teeheee he came down on wednesday)... hope these 2 enter....

talking about saints, it makes me wonder how the DP (or the person/organisation behind all those annihilation of blog offenders) caught those pple who wrote the WRONG stuffs on their blogs... i mean there r millions, MILLIONS of blogs out there, how did they manage to find out??shld i try?? *lol* eh to the person who specialise in hunting bad-saint-bloggers, pls dun come find me, i'm innocent... i didnt say anything, i'm juz wondering, unless it is an unforgivable crime to wonder n ponder.... omg later one morning my name being called out n tt person will PERSONALLY explain to me how he/she found out abt my blog OMG -_-!! this posting cnnt be published!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH hey who cares? this is my blog, i can write wadever, WADEVER *u hear me* i want, k? *lmao*
*disclaimer: the above paragraph is juz meant to be a joke, pls leave me alone to who it may concern...

but seriously DP's right, we can be sued for deflamation (izit tis word??) if we trash talk on our blogs... hmmmm i wonder....

//Brandon struck at 1:27 PM\\

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

ok so i've spent the lousiest day n tmw doesnt seem any better -_- cheong so hard for the stupid GP project really took alot out of me... n just now got a shocker 17 new mails in my inbox. after reading all those SJ stuffs then i realised how alienated i've been... i'm quite useless in the officer committee though, not an outstanding trainer nor well-respected within the corps... so what am i staying? what's the purpose when i can make little or no contribution? i thought i tend to screw up things, especially the money issue for the carnival... damn i should have spent more time n effort chasing after the money... hmmmmm i quite tired now, talkin' nonsense... sometimes i feel like a nobody, both in my class n the mshsjab.... can i blame anyone? i tink i brought this up myself by screwing up my NCO's years... oh well a short post as i promised...

//Brandon struck at 11:54 AM\\

Sunday, August 14, 2005

YYYYEEEEEAAAAA GGOOOOOOOOAALLLLLLL!!! manu won 2nil, YES!! but quite tyco lah haha... mmm now... currently stuck in 'dunno wad to do' mode, cos i cant find the mood to do anything except being online chattin or playin GBA... wad's my pw grp doin? c other jcs lyk quit chiong leh but sa's pw grps seem vv, n i mean, VERY relaxed leh... wth.... fri nite during tuition, feeling quite sian n out of the world... ermm i mean dreaming off to lala land... den decide to send a prank sms to her.... nvr reply until now :-/ hope she wun get the wrong iea.... it's ok lah, guess i hav to carry on wif my life....

'it was the end of our dream...' haix the song i composed... reminds me of wad happen over the past 2yrs... it was 1 hell of a rollercoaster ride... life's lyk tt... guess i'm disappointed 1 more time... but i'm ok wif it, wif all those potentials waitin to explode right on my face <:-/

ok enuff of whinnin n groanin... time to be a man, a real man = get silver for napfa, overcome my fear of swimmin, be a gentleman (unlikely), get straight As (oso quite unlikely), bond wif everyone in my class (hmm...) .... tink shld b enuff?? can die loh, accomplish these things in 1+ yr, vv daunting leh... it will b quite a feat to do these... =p

//Brandon struck at 1:45 PM\\

Thursday, August 11, 2005

now spending my time at home dunno doing wad.... so come here giv my 3rd blog after the restart... i thought that tis yr the NDP was a vv boring festival to me... partly becos i had tuition, den go play 1hr+ LAN at katong shopping centre, den rush back to my aunt's hse to sign alot of stuffs... wad happen next really bothers me, i practically had nuthin' to do until 6pm, even the mp3 bore me.... when the 'popiah' stuffs came in n we had a popiah feast, which we made n ate our own doings.... it was really sian, i did nuthin' but play n play n stare at the ceiling...

juz finished with another of my useless obsessions.... hmmm now wad can i do... mug? no.... but got chem test tmw, n den gym duty oh no.... oh ya, n tmw 2.4km run, omg sure fail wan loh.... now i so fat, when can i change the 'a' to 'i'? T.T

last nite while rampaging thru my drawer, i chanced upon my CJ diary book,. a sudden jolt struck me, n i flipped to the last pages of the book. lo n behold, the oni 2 photos of my cj class, 1T37.... those were taken at the end of the orientation, can compare the difference btwn then n now... haix, a mixed feelin of both happiness n regret came upon me... regret tt becos up til this moment i found myself still wishin i'm back there at the familiar place... tt i possess oni 2 photos of the wonderful but short period of time... happiness becos it's lyk meetin up long lost frens, an emotional reunion... i usually didnt take much photos during the last moments b4 the whole class split up for good, eg sec4, 1st intake cos i had already taken their images n placed it in my head... i thought it is more worthwhile ot remember someone not by photos but by memory, but of course it is not for those wif poor memories heh heh...

now wad m i susposed to do...? haix, apart frm packin up the messy room tt will always be lyk tis, the nxt best thing is to mug loh... haiyo... -_-

//Brandon struck at 5:11 AM\\

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

yea... todae no lessons but oso ultra sian.... dunno y... yesterday after publishing my entry i went for a haircut... *groan* not again, i look lyk shit loh T.T den realised todae the store we dun hav tables cos-i-tot-got-someone-help-us-move-but-actually-no-one-help-us-move story... haix i blur blur lyk big big sotong liddat... man, arent we susposed to hav a class outing??? y end up oni got guys?? n as usual they bore me to death by their constant complainin n whinin n commentin on everything under the SA roof -_-" wad tis girl chio tt girl nt, wad our class nt gd n other class gd... wad Xwing PW ?Baywatch wadeva... not tt i'm a gay, but i really dun find any meanin behind these actions except perharps a newly discovered form of socialising among guys or wad... my principle is tt i usually wun go around commentin on other pple's looks while i look lyk shit myself... especially wif the shitty hairstyle up there on my head T.T

so sian, waitin for my bro to come home den can go SRC to play until midnite... was actually aimmin to go there at 7+ and play lyk siao until 12++ heh heh... but dunno where my bro go >:-< spoil my plan, can oni stay at home play GTA advanced... hey i juz realised i got hooked on the 2D version of one of the most violent games... it was so fun loh~ but stopped playin after i got stuck on 1 part... shit man, kill 10 thugs under 4mins in a maze of roads n police? worse, i became the No.1 enemy of the underworld, chaam... drive anywhere oso tio shoot hahah...

haiyo die la, y my mom became so paranoid over the lousy desktop sittin in my bro room??!! any slightest problem (or izit a problem) oso cry for help ..... ultra lame... help... ~waaaahhh~ but muz give in to her la, after all she's our family's breadwinner... sometimes i wish i had entered poly instead, den can enter workforce earlier n support my family leh... hmmmm y i go JC.... den muz go U cos the A'lvl cert lyk toilet paper, useless until can flush down toilet bowl leh.... at least got diploma can get job liao... haiyo... but nvm la, shall c how, but now studies abit chaam leh, hope can improve in the near future.... hmmmm y my bro nt back yet??? i gettin furious !! >:-<

//Brandon struck at 11:27 AM\\

Monday, August 08, 2005

yea... after a few months... well abt 6mths nvr come here bah, i now gg to restart tis blog... haha but frankly i still dunno how to put frens in here or chatbox but nvm, i shld vent my frustration here mah hahahaha.... after coming to SA, well life became a little bit of meaningless to me.... many things went wrong during the 4mths' time in SA... lost the ZFAC to again the almost same team last yr *wtf* but i muz admit i'm not prepared for it though... den i started missing my dear cj frens... haix up til now i found myself wishing i had nvr chosen SA as my 1st choice, but oh well tt's life...

then nt vv long after i paid a return trip to cj den i realised something... something tt made me think more clearly abt life... something tt for the first time forced me to consider adding another closed one to my messed-up life.... i was confused for some time, then came the ultimate blow... i can still remember vividly the day where i was muggin in my room when my dad came in n started tis conversation....

" do u have any caps around?"
" uhmmmm..... let me see.... the nike one loh.... y u need it?"
" oh, i going for chemotheraphy injections, so all my hair will drop off, not nice, so i need to wear cap...."

that was the turning point of my life... i began to realised the importance of considering the effects of the actions u are going to do, especially if it will cause a huge change to ur life... well, having a *ahem* will of cos does tt, but when my dad's health is in tis state? i cant, really.... i juz dun have the mental strength to start when all this problems coming in.... soon i fell into depression... i started thinkin about all the things i have done wrong during the past 2 yrs... the tough years of competition training during sec3 n 4, the pulling out of my teammates 1 by 1, the promotion to NCO, the things i have done wrongly or poorly as the OIC, the cheating scandal in sec4, the loss in the competition... life's liddat, wad to do??

the 1st 3mths in cj were definitely the best times of my life... wad an irony, i tot it was the end of the world when i heard i'm posted there last december... haha oh well, will nvr forget 1T37, which made me feel life's worth living on.... coming to SA with high hopes, but the sch disappoint me greatly... i dunno how to describle, but really, it was in SA where i fell into depression... everyday in sch hanging out wif the guys, i had to force a smile n put on a cheery face cos i noe, who cares abt my problems?? do i expect someone who i have known for 2mths to solve my problems??

i'm nt really good in english, so if ya have ??? above ur heads after finish reading, relax, it's nt supernatural.... recently things kept going wrong for me, i juz dunno why, maybe because i sux *hahaha* but reallly i can find no other explanations loh... even up to tis day, i'm not displayin my emotions on my face... i'm still actin to be a guy who dun give a damn to this world, an antisocial male who dun mix wif females, a would-be man tormented by love and heartache... it's a fact that i'm a mystery, cos i dun even understand myself at times, really....

well after yesterday's adventure in PS, i did feel better, it's lyk puttin off a huge stone in my mind, nvr felt so relieved b4.... now i'm crossin my fingers tt my life in SA will be better now after tis entry... ;-)

//Brandon struck at 5:30 AM\\