//...strike!...\\

Sunday, July 08, 2007

to say i'm in withdrawal mode means i'm still conscious of my own feelings and state of mind, i tink this post is meaningful to remind me in case i go off rail in the mind track, in case something in my head really goes 'snap'...

there's nth wrong wif my vocation in army, juz that the state of affairs there are really in such shape that u really wonder what's the point of being a human in the first place.. that place, that camp, that company, is that sad... i dont know man, but struggling everyday with all the abuses, the criplling back injury, trying to cheer my fellow BMTC people up is really taking a toil on me, i tot i'm adapting well there, until i almost flared up at my mum just now at grandma hse dinner... it's really not me anymore, i realised, what m i living for? what have i done anyway? somehow, i really wish my back injury is mind's trick...

just now read jiacai's email about the SJ com training and the future of SJ, it really filled my head n heart wif regret... over the past 2 years i could have contribute more, but i let personal problems pull me down constantly... i'm tired of smiling when i'm unhappy, i'm tired of trying to prevent hurting my family by pulling the brakes of my increasingly volatile temper, i'm tired of trying to understand why a closed one, be it family or friends, made that decision or action that troubles me so much..

i'm trying hard to be myself again, to stand up from this heavy fall, to resist against all odds of pulling me down, but sometime things are just that difficult...

i hope everyone understands me...

i will not commit suicide, i assure u, even though i feel the ghosts of 2005 are returning

//Brandon struck at 8:00 PM\\