//...strike!...\\

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

dad's hospitalised again. After only 2 weeks out of SGH he's back in again. Sigh, what kind of holiday am I having? The stupid Fitness things are sucking my free time dry, and family matters are nothing short of chaotic... I'm getting the feeling I can't hang on anymore. Just today I sort of wasted my trip down to SA just for a 50minutes meeting, sigh, to discuss about celebrating her birthday and also to make her 'cry'... Yea right, 'cry' _l_ wtf... You want so much I scumble down in front of you and cry for all the heck of this blue world I want. Samuel asked me in the toilet (interesting place to pop such questions) that Benjamin or someone said I wrote sad stuffs in blog and whether I'm alright.

Wow, I didn't know what to say. Firstly, does Benjamin, our heeheehee boy, read people's blog? I don't think so... Secondly, frankly I'm lost for words, 'cos how else could I reply? Everything's here in this Boulevard of Broken Dreams, for all I care. I told him later that ok I'm alright and thanked him for his concern. Well I think I still appear to be quite lame and happy in front of those Fitness guys but to say the truth, I don't know how much I'm going to hang on. Next year? Next month? Next week? Or even next morning? I've had enough of sad stuffs to write man...

Feel like changing to a more happier topic, but what? Come to think of it, I suddenly remember an entry from my friend's now defunct blog. It goes like this,

"A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.
"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

1. To See
2. To Hear
3. To Touch
4. To Taste
5. To Feel
6. To Laugh
7. And to Love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder -- that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man. "

Not surprising we tend to overlook alot of seemingly small little things and take them for granted. I'm not sure how I managed to link this to the topic of this entry, but still, something to share with everyone....

Before I end, a beautiful and tragic FLASH animation about the pains of love
http://card3.silversand.net/diy/image/090666.swf

//Brandon struck at 2:40 PM\\

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wasn't planning to post another 1, maybe the 3rd in 1 week I guess... This blog is fast becoming my Boulevard of Broken Dreams, where all my saddest moments are captured here. Oh well, won't be too long until someone got irritated and accuse me of deliberately gaining sympathy votes or something... Last night... I wonder how did I manage to emerged unscathed and able to write this into here. I remember my mom always teach me that words hurt people more than fists, but I just couldn't understand when she's always the one hurting me with her words, as well as my unpredictable brother of mine... In her mind I'm forever an useless son that brings nothing but troubles. Just a few weeks ago I was so 'enlightened', but it turned out to be so short-lived. For the first time, suicidal thoughts began sinking in last night when I'm waiting for the machine to finish washing clothes...

I stared down my 10th storey flat, my mind kept repeating the words she said earlier, " See, even a doctor know I'm so stressed until I can die, but those who ought to know still don't know... " I sighed. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do, I'll still be the most useless guy in my home. In random mode, Linkin Park's "In The End" sprung from my mp3 into my ear.

"I've tried so hard,
and got so far...
In the end,
it doesn't even matter..."

I had so much thoughts, it is impossible to write everything out now, much I would like to. In summary I had so much grudges in everything in my life, I'm bursting sooner or later. Dejected, I decided to sms my buddy Sandy.

"Wad's the taste of smokin a cigarrette? Feel lyk tryin 1 but dunno how to get a packet of it now..." he said he smoked before, but I don't really believe him, but still I asked

" Y "

"Dunno leh, now life abit meaningless leh, maybe a cigarrette mite able to light up abit..."

"Wad's so meaningless abt life? u want den go mama shop buy. dun smoke better. smoking is jus a wa of deceiving urself tt u have solved de prob. it create de mentality tt once u smoked u solved the prob. if u really want smoke den mus noe how to control. anyway meaningless life is be stupidest reason to smoke."

"Ha.. I juz wanna find something i can do while stuck in tis hse... Smoking causes cancer, better still so tt life can end faster..."

"Haha. guess everyone got a different reason to smoke. just go slp and tml everything will b fine. eh promoised my coach to slp early 4 tml match. tok tml."

-_- what a way to end the conversation. Irony, huh? I'm in Fitness Club and yet I wanted to smoke. Somehow it just give me the feeling that smoking may be able to ease some of the pain I'm getting now. Sigh, I guess the grouchy me will stay in this home, even though life may not be enjoyable I'm putting a brave and cheerful front. For now.

//Brandon struck at 2:34 PM\\

Saturday, November 19, 2005

last night sort of quarrelled with Mum... Well not really quarrelling because she's doing the talking for most of it and I just can't be bothered to return any favour.

Seems like she doesn't appreciate a wee bit of every effort I've put in to this family... I'm slow, incompetent, dumb, clumsy, selfish, uncaring, you name it...

Although now we are in talking terms now *surprisingly* the damage cannot be undone. If it was in DotA, I can always run back to the fountain to regain my 'hit points' and 'mana', but this seems to be a permanent damage, to my wavering confidence, to my self-esteem, to my will of living, to everything that one must have to survive...

Sometimes I do wonder what made me continuing living in this god damn world, and I guessed the answer everytime is 'friend'. Yes, friends...

I guess there will always be a continuing and endless battle between friends and family for me. If only I insisted on leaving last night after dinner....

//Brandon struck at 12:07 PM\\

Friday, November 18, 2005

I had enough! I just don't understand why she look down on me SO MUCH!! KNNCB SO MUCH!!! I really am very fed up!! This place, the one that I've been so familiar for so damn bloody long, has all but become so so SO STRANGE NOW!! KNNCB!!! CB!!!!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is there anything left in this world that worth living on??? How the hell does things end up like this?? why? Damnit someone just tell me WHY?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

//Brandon struck at 3:52 PM\\

Monday, November 14, 2005

Slept overnight at kevin's house because of a stupid course I have to attend near IBM, and I lazy to wake up early in the morning to travel all the wayy there, so might as well... I really did enjoy myself there, playing mahjong or DotA like there's no tomorrow. Comparing to my house, I felt inferiority. Everything there seemed relatively perfect to me, but of course the most perfect one has to be his new laptop. 1000000 times better than mine! Although ya my computer costs way less than what we normally get due to the fact that I have a 'wonderful' uncle (mother's sister's husband, don't know how to relate) who is a pro in computer stuffs, but... What's the use of having a desktop with only 224MB of RAM? I know I ought to feel lucky as some may not even own a computer and dream of having something like mine, but isn't desire for the better human nature too? Looking at all the newly released games that are ultra fun, having a laggy computer would means I either have to give it a miss or spend hard-earned money at LAN... Argh....

The future do indeed looks bleak. Not the world's, of course since it doesn't look just bleak but very dangerous as well. Right now my life consists of 4 components: family, friends, school, CCAs; that's the part that looks bleak. 2 demanding CCAs to cope with, I really don't know how to handle. SAJC Fitness Club is fun, but it's absorbing virtually all the free time this short holiday can offer. SJAB... well I think after spending 4 years there and still going, although lately I don't feel a sense of belonging, it has become a part of me, somewhat like a commitment I have to do. Luckily I don't have a girlfriend although yes I'm waiting for someone but I guess it's time to give up in times like this. And nope DotA isn't part of my life unless I can play at home. *lol*

I feel kinda weak. I love my family, but sometimes they are driving me crazy. I remember I was a very nosey child and asked about everything happening in home. They shut me up, 'cos I talked too much I think. Ok so I shut up. Now they complaining that I appeared too deep, too quiet and too mysterious. Isn't that what they wanted in the first place? Whenever I'm around at home, their actions would make me feel as if I am the most useless man ever produced; whenever I'm not around at home the sight of them being tired from chionging all the housework makes me feel as if I'm the most useless man ever produced. I admit I'm imcompetent, but that's partly due to the fact that they refuse to teach me anything with patience. I don't know, but I somehow notice the you-should-know-it-without-me-telling-you tone when they are talking to me, when I was geniunely don't know what to do. Sometimes I became very frustrated, I wanted to ask my parents, "If I'm that useless, why bring me to this world and suffer? Why? WHY?! YOU ******************************************* !!"

Life will not be as simple as before. The bottomline is that I have no choice but to carry on, 'cos giving up isn't an option and the only way to go through this period is to depend on myself, stay strong and making sacrifices is a necessary option, so I hope the Fitnees members would understand as well as the SJAB officers. God Bless

//Brandon struck at 2:16 PM\\

Friday, November 04, 2005

Who would have thought so many things happened after my previous post? It was a cramped mixture of both happiness and sadness, something that whirled in my head to the state when I felt I'm the only man in my own world. Don't feel like pouring everything out, even though this blog exists for me to vet everything out from the deepest thoughts, before I go mad and jump out of my 10th storey flat.

Life hasn't been much pretty good ever since my dad was hospitalised for a stem cell transplant programme. I had to do all the travelling around this small island, which wasn't any problem to me, but my mom had to nag and start worrying at every single thing I'm doing outside home. My brother vented all his anger at me by digging up all the past. My grandmother kept asking me to go her house for dinner, which wasn't a problem once or twice, but every single night for the whole week. Man, all these are making me feel as if I'm the most useless teenager in Singapore. Or maybe I really am 1 ....

I learnt something important from this ordeal, which is the much deserved care and concern I should give to my family. Before making any decisions I have to consider the impacts I'm creating to my battered family, simply because that's my responsibility as the youngest child in my family, and I'm already 17... ok 16 going to 17 whatever my birthday is on 29th Dec -_- I have to think of my actions so that it will create the least amount of worries that my mom would receive.

Just last night, I was grumbling how meaningless my life was during the Geylang Serai PD. Then later when I had an off-day when playing pool, TW taught something that was relevant to pool but in the same time diverting a bolt of thunder to my stupid brain. I remembered he said, " Plan your next step after playing this ball. " " You have to aim! No point doing the dry running of the shot, just aim and shoot. " When I reached much much later, I sat down and chided myself. What's my aim man?! Is it to enjoy myself at the expense of the care and concern I should show to my family? What's my next step? Am I going to stay put and keep complaining, refusing to even face the truth and move on with my life? I became enlightened overnight.

What right do I have to complain how meaningless my life is now? Right now, my mom only appears in 3 places: home, office, hospital. My brother? Staying in at army camp. I knew every single member of this battered family is facing stress, and no one is showing it on the face. I must be strong. I must be the pillar of this place where I called home, no matter how huge the odds may seem to be, I shall not fall.

Not everything went unsmoothly for me though, at least my promos results. It was wayy better than I've thought. EOY papers results ACDE, overall BCDD. Man was I glad, considering the troubles I'm facing and the efforts I've made to hide all those from everyone *whoops* ok so the secret is out, but so what? Nothing beats an enlightened . I'm starting to bond better with my class, although sometimes I wonder if they ever give a damn to me. I think the image I portrayed to S72 is 1 aloof and deep person. Ok I admit I'm deep, cos I don't understand myself at times :-/ but aloof isn't; just ask the T37 guys and girls. I remembered that time Xukun's birthday party and I had to rush to Anchorpoint to collect his cake. On my way I saw Serene (short one, oops) at the bus stop. Strangely not a word of 'hi' came out of my mouth. Although we did certainly know we were there but not a single word was exchanged. Man, what's wrong with me....

//Brandon struck at 5:17 AM\\