//...strike!...\\

Sunday, September 30, 2007

with the return to jurong camp, came the sense of emptiness settling in within my soul...

the place is actually quite ok, except for the people there... everyone is hell-bent in making the lives of others difficult, it's some sort of man vs. man kind of things, not that i really care, only looking forward for my birthday this year, not before going through 3-4 exercises...

previously i pinned all the blame into jurong camp, but i came to my sense. the sense of emptiness, yet so familiar, came from within, not from the outside... i allowed it to settle in, causing all the, again, familiar thoughts returning to haunt... not that i can do anything about it.. everynight i lay on my bed, preparing to sleep, and suddenly i feel cold, the feeling of loneliness, as if i'm the only person left in this world... i try to think how many people actually knew i exist, and for a moment, it's a mental block... then my family came in, my buddies, all the ex-classmates over the years... only then i managed to fall asleep..

everyone is asking about me and her, my answer will always be 'i dont know'... that wasn't used to be my common answer, but when all the problems set in together, i ran out of the strength to stand firm for anyone to rely on... the sense of loneliness and helplessness just came back again and again, haunting me yet again and again...

last wkend i walked down to sgpools near my house, preparing to place a bet when i saw a very familiar face... it was my ex SAJC buddy that went through thick and thin throughout the whole jc period... yep it was ben, alright... yet my first instinct is to U-turn and move on to another sgpools further outside pp.. while walking an enormous sense of guilt envelopped me.. i mean, the crack is just too big to mend, i cant do anything else can i? but i really treasured the friendship back then, but things just arent the same anymore.. yet once more the sense of loneliness and helplessness just came back again and again, haunting me yet again and again...

whenever i go town areas, i see lots of couples.. and experiences lots of heartbreak when i do see... it became worse when my buddy qt started asking me how to woo his target, but then again i obliged; my usual self of mastering the art of masking... for a moment i forgot how to smile... the sense of loneliness and helplessness just came back again and again, haunting me yet again and again...

it's been a tough time so far, and the future didnt seem any better, so for the first light of optimism in this posting, i promise: i will be strong and soldier on...

//Brandon struck at 2:06 PM\\

Sunday, September 16, 2007

walking into the usual physiotheraphy room at TTSH and meeting the usual happy uncle who is really contented in helping the patients doing all their rehabilation...

strolling around Toa Payoh and meeting senior citizens who are just as contented to lead their remaining time walking around and chatting and playing chess...

looking at committed NS regulars everyday doing thankless jobs, while their counterparts (not NSFs) are busy behind backstabbing and getting away from arrows flying everywhere..

wandering around town-areas and meeting many couples living in their own world of love, care and fantasy...

to me, can life be anymore simple? are they that hard to achieve anyway?

因为我活在西界
只拥有半个白天
一到午后夜色就蔓延
虽然和你面对面
却看不到我的脸
感觉到你不安的视线

在西界的那一边
只能有半个白天
暗自祈祷上天的垂怜
在长夜的边缘
给我一丝光线
让你能多看我一眼

//Brandon struck at 1:01 PM\\

Saturday, September 08, 2007

1 heck of a week

it jusz seemed tt someone up there answered to my inner grumbling tt my life is super monotonous now, for this week is nothing but really really rock bottom yet again..

mon nite recevied a sms from wj about the passing away of moses' mother, i was reall very saddened, maybe cos i'm vv sensitive to these kind of stuffs happening to everyone ard me, it jus brings up unwanted memories on how close i was from this situation a few years b4... i can only pray for the one up there to grant moses the strength he and his whole family need to pass thru in this period of momentarily darkness.. somehow it just spoilt the whole wk...

tues nite, call back home n wasnt granted permission to go to moses' mother's funeral... though i do believe in the afterlife yet not superstitious, i still respect my family's concern and stand over attending funerals.. for their buddhism beliefs i needa do alot of things and sort of mini rituals i couldnt do in camp, though i'm a free-thinker but i guess if there are really such things out there then i shldnt implicate my family just in case... called fey to pass on my message to moses, hope he receive it....

wed nite went out with my army mates... sad to say there's internal rifts in between the 12 of us, and we are divided into so many groups even though we are a really vv small platoon already.. went to play lan wif zz jianliang n a certain paul.. we won the first match in dota, no thx to a self proclaimed pro SA and after a small argument he left to play maple on his own... c'mon get a life all of u... lost the nxt 2 matches badly... went to arcade afterwards and what is otherwise an uneventful nite's out...

thurs nite training... paul almost langgar his excavator onto zz's shovel... yea i noe he mite wanna b good frens wif zz but driving a kobe so near to him? the arm will certainly kill him u noe, mr paul? sure enough our inchek scolded him, and his buddy ken HAD to chip in his own comments, which resulted in them falling out... whatever my stand is neutral, siding neither one but only on safety grounds do i disagreed wif what paul had done... f u if u still think u've done nothing wrong in driving the kobe so close...

fri nite, nothing much

tonight is possibly the worst nite of this wk.. morning physio as usual, came back with my back sure enough very fatigued... went out for dinner wif my family, since it was like 2 wks we havent done tt... went to toa payoh sizzler, it was going to be a nice night out finally for me when my bro recalled my 2nd aunt was forced to reisgn frm her teacher's job due to lame reasons...

1) she wasnt adept in using IT
2) susposedly 'poor' performances
3) received warnings in the past before

added to that she was forced to take O'lvl Arts, attend english courses at British Council and educational enrichment programmes, comsuming all her free time outside work in the process... the greatest surprise? SHE IS JUST A KINDERGARDEN TEACHER, FUCKING HELL!! it's ok if the school has PSLE, O's, A's, degrees or diploma to offer and hence worried about the results, BUT IT'S JUST A FUCKING KNDERGARDEN!!! is there such a need to go until such extend? my 2nd aunt was a teacher for as long i could remember, yt from wad i heard from my mom and 3rd aunt she got forced out most likely due to politics... c'mon gimme a break... yea she can be slow-poke and blur at times, but her committment is unquestionable.. i still dont understand why she was forced to resign... n this only makes me even more responsible in helping her to find a replacement job b4 my grandma know.. somehow i was really indebted to my grandparents and my 2nd n 3rd aunts, i grew up literally under their guidances.. when i was sick, it was my grandma or my 2nd aunt to take care of me late into the night or bring me to the doc.. i inheirited the work-behind-the-scene attitude from them, i never wayang in front of my seniors or superiors, i only do what i'm susposed to do and aims only to get the job done asap in the best manner.. yet i sacrificed my socialising skills...

but why politics, even within a fucking kindergarden? are humans accelerating their unavoidable downfall by backstabbing each other?

i'm really disappointed...

somehow, i really dont know what am i susposed to feel right now.................

//Brandon struck at 9:18 PM\\