//...strike!...\\

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Time flies, its been almost 3 years...

Yesterday was my buddy, or should i say ex-buddy's 21st birthday.. After so long the ice wall is still high and mightily strong, i am powerless as ever.. Didnt leave a note on facebook or even a simple sms..

Then i realised i've lost so much things during the past 3 years.. It had to be the most turbulent period so far..

I guess the only thing i didnt lose is my life :S

//Brandon struck at 9:57 PM\\

Friday, March 20, 2009

yet another driving lesson which got me damn low again, to pay $400 per month just to be screamed at by some dirty old man, fuck... yea yea this is juzscreamnshoutok.blogspot.com, did my url come back and haunt me? !#$%^&

Anyway went to the jobfair with zz, hoping to get some catch in temps... Alas after spending almost an hour doing our resumes at the booth there, it turned out most wanted permanent jobs; and so many other job agencys set up their job booths there, u really have to wonder if its an agency gathering instead... Nevertheless i got some interesting informations around in the fair, think is worth my afternoon spent there..

Then made my way to grandma house for dinner, since mom and bro werent available.. Went there to help out in the cooking and half exhausted 'cos having woke up at 7am (totally not used to it) and walked the whole hall 6 in the afternoon.. After some miscommunication and the clashing of the woks and pans, what surprise i had in the dining table

it was only me eating yet there are as much as 7 different dishes on the table staring at me.. For some reason i felt happy, it was as if there are no more worries and sorrows in this world... Then the cruel fate blurred my vision with tears as i tried my best to consume my dinner...

It's an old repeated fact,

but going back to the place you grew up

and thinking about the efforts the folks there made to whip up a sumptous meal just because you return for a visit,

it just made all the sufferings and the pains you endured through really worthwhile

its the simplest joy and comfort life can ever offer, really..

//Brandon struck at 10:36 PM\\

Monday, March 16, 2009

Ok this is late, but phase 2 of operation ORD was done and over with the collection of pink i/c and walking out of the camp for good...

Cant help but wonder, what lies ahead of the future? Which kind of path my destiny will lead me to? Will fate still be in within my control?

i walk alone

//Brandon struck at 1:58 PM\\

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

This place just set to become more emo as time goes by... Who would have thought troubles increase as the ORD date is nearing... But really, today was a very bad day..

Yet another disastrous driving lesson.. I dont see the point if every lesson is setting the new low in terms of morale and of course, money... But today is really bad, i havent been scolded as jialat before, even though this could have been my 10th or 11th lesson already.. Really felt damn lousy for the whole day, even 3 different games cant seem to cheer me up, let alone the internet msn facebook blahblahblah... The temporary ease of pain when i visited my grandparents' for dinner quickly subsided during my journey home alone in the bus..

Why, increasingly in every lesson, am i scolded as if i'm a delinquent?

Or is it the result of so many days taken off outside camp that my self-discipline took a tumble?

Am i not the person i thought i am all this while?

Yeah i havta admit i'm kinda cold sometimes, 'cos really i am bad in verbal communication.. I also admit i am a slow learner; i cant seem to grasp hold of new stuffs the way my acquaintances do, i always learn through mistakes no matter how hard i try not to repeat it... Sometimes i dont know if i should carry on my misery or to just get it over and done with, increasingly i'm beginning to lose focus in alot of stuffs... Be it driving, learning programming or even training for sundown just 2+ months away, i cant put in 100% and get distracted so easily, i'm really afraid i'll give up everything when i hit the boiling point... Being alone at home doesnt help, i mean i dont mind staying at home but not with this fucked-up mood.. I also disliked showing depressed mode when outside with friends, 'cos really i don wanna end up brawling in front of them..

I only know i've put in my very best efforts in all the stuffs i've done; but after today's session, i'm not sure anymore if efforts really pays off in the end.. If the end-product of trying hard every lesson is to make more mistakes and worsening degree of scolding, then...

//Brandon struck at 10:05 PM\\

Monday, March 09, 2009

I fear becoming an adult..

Previously i have no qualms about it; it's just another inevitable stage of life we all have to go through.. But after yesterday's dinner, i was getting more uncertain than before the road that lies ahead of me.. Yet another family dinner with my grandparents were ruined by petty squabbles.. As usual i tried my best to cheer the atmosphere up, but when grandma turned her face against me, i knew the celebration was over.. Yeah its susposed to be my grandfather's birthday dinner, but because of a small incident it became a domino effect; everyone was so blinded by anger it destroyed what susposed to be a joyous event with nice food..

Ever try eating while feeling down? No matter how many dishes you try, they only have 1 taste: bitterness.. I was glad grandpa brought a bottle of martell as he enjoyed it mixed with cold water on rocks.. So i followed suit, except that mine had so much more martell even after mixing it got the same colour as my cup of chinese tea :D So i drank and drank, but i forgot 1 important stuff all drinkers should not: dont drink with a dull feeling.. Just 2 cups and i can already felt myself smiling at nothing and feeling light-headed... Perhaps this is how i express myself when i'm feeling damn disappointed and disillusioned by the grown-ups; if my destiny is to grow up and behave like them, then i guess i will allow fate to pull me along as it deems fit , 'cos suddenly after watching them arguing and bitching around for so many years, i felt quite numb at it.. Where's the family warmth now? Even now i think my best family member has to be my computer in my room, kinda sad... Even in a bad day like this there will always be a hero rising up to the occasion.. This case, well, 2 heroines whom are my 2 young cousins.. Somehow in their own small little world of fun and laughters they managed to turn the situation around and bring smiles to not 1 but both of my grandparents.. Not even the usual bubbly pet of the family, me, could do.. I guess i'll have to pass down my ranks to the 2 little ones now lol..

The best food of the day? It had to be the martell..

//Brandon struck at 11:10 AM\\

Monday, March 02, 2009

was wondering whether to put this up on a note at facebook, but i decided not to in case this turns out to be another ultra negative post, even though i didnt mean to initially, so well here it goes...

Finally can pack and bring duffel bag home, it's phase 1 of Operation ORD lol.. The way i see it, clearing your cupboard is just like an archaeological dig; the deeper you dig the further of the past you'll reach.. As i 'uncovered' items by items through the mess (ok i dont usually pack my cupboard hahah) it's just like a replay of your whole NS life right in front of you.. From the days of being botak to short hair to now much much longer hair, certain stuffs just somehow bring back loads of memories, both sweet and sour, back to your head..

The month of December 2008, where i took one of my biggest challenge so far participating in Stanchart'08.. It's where i cleared my long-time nememsis, SOC which caused me to be a private for so long.. And not forgetting my first trip to China where i learn more both about the country and my cousins whom i didnt grow up together with..

The month of August, the biggest exercise we all had been training for months, i can still remember the jubilation at the end of it... Totally cool..

The month of January to March, the toughest course attended in my service time, adding on to the mental stress from the previous months.. But the toughest times no doubt are always the most memorable times, even better if you went through it with a group of supportive people..

The month of December 07, the month i want to forget for obvious reasons, i couldn't think of a lower point in my life other than that.. Adding on to the lack fo support i had from my camp, its just made my day worse than worst.. I had to force myself to recover from the brink of total destruction for the sake of many precious family members and friends, and when the side-effects kicked in, i couldnt do anything else but to face it myself; it is my own battle with the demons inside.. I'm still fighting, and who knows which will be the winning side?

The month of October 07, the month i made my hardest and the second-most painful decision in my life so far...

The month of June, where all hell started in my newly posted unit, where i was given a kick to the gut at the time when i needed the most support i could get...

The month of March, my enlistment day and the 3 months that followed were and still are the most enjoyable periods i had throughout the whole service term: BMT.. But with one regret of being unable to pass ippt in order to advance to command school...

It all ended when i sealed my duffel bag, all the replays of the memories in my head.. As i looked on to life after ORD, i cant help but feel a cocktail of emotions; both joy and uncertainty. The current situation outside just says it all: There are 5 times more unemployed people than jobs offered at the job fair.. Really, i cant help but to compare the life in camp to the outside world.. It's like venturing out of a sheltered place where things are relatively comfortable at the cost of your freedom, to somewhere where you now have absolute freedom but life is not always a bed of roses.. My point is proven by a few of my friends ORD-ing a few weeks earlier; the anticipation to the day did not lived up to its expectation.. Within the happiness comes a sense of loss; within the loud cheers of "ORD LOH!" comes a cloud of uncertainty hovering above..

All the sudden the road ahead seemed precarious; you just dont know what lies in fornt of you.. Something bad, like a banana skin waiting to make you slip? Or something desirable, like a $50 dollar note waiting for you to pick up? Optimists will say, well we are the ones who will create the so-called 'banana skins', so cheer up we are in control of our fate.. Pessimists will say, well the road are full of 'banana skins' so we have to be careful.. Realistic people will say, well i will avoid the banana skins if i see one, and pick up the $50 dollar note if i see one; fate will decide what i will get... To speak the truth i'm not quite sure which category i fall in...

It does feels good to bring the load home, but as i walked out of the camp gate under the rumbling dark skies threatening to pour, i cant help but wished in vain that someone was there to fetch me home.. He was there for so many points in my life; he fetched me to tekong as a recruit for every book-in, he fetched me into the unit i got newly posted to.. He drove me to nee soon camp for my first plant enginer course, but he was unable to for the second course in Jan'07 and the subsequent book-ins to Jurong camp.. When i ORD, he will never see my pink i/c again... Dad, i really wished you were there... Quite frustrating that i havent completely gotten over it after so long...

Putting aside all these thoughts, walking out i could hear myself muttered as i turned my back against this camp for the last time as a NSF (cos the next time i'm a civilian lol),

"ORD, loh...."

//Brandon struck at 8:23 PM\\