//...strike!...\\

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

LOL after almost 1 year 4 months into army did i got my first ever ATT C from a MO (lol a few mc here and there from private clinics and thats it!) zzz hard way to get leh...

Come to think of it, a long time since i fell sick, and when i define sick it means literally 'bedridden and unable to do noraml stuffs'... Stuffs like playing com, PSP, staring and playing around with my gundam collections, listen to music (YEA really i cant listen when i'm sick, just irks me o.O) but i can watch tv hahaha... guess i would only watch when i'm really sick :S

Sigh but what a time to fall sick, in the morning of the exercise cub which is susposed to start at night... Havta visit toilet for five times before deciding, well, i'm giving this exercise a miss, might as well stay in my bunk and pray for the rest who are going LOL but my wish didnt come true; diarrhoea until got fever o.O got me worried for awhile cos i dont wanna go on drip for every reason in the world, but heng never... whew...

Then i proceeded to vomit during dinner on my living room floor (-___-) win liao loh eat mo medicine until vomit, havta trouble mum n bro to do the cleaning up while i unloaded more into a plastic bag they passed to me straight after the puddle in the room.. sigh thats why i hated being sick; it became a liability to your home, even though you have no intentions to and they dont mind but somehow you just cant clear your own mindset and be a sick man without any worries.. sigh... anw during this sick period i managed to distract my mind from vomitting by finishing painting LU BU and his horse RED HARE, gundam version that is, lol... but i guess i'll upload another time...

//Brandon struck at 10:28 PM\\

Saturday, July 26, 2008

what a week

mon - ran 6km
tues - 8km route march
wed - heng that guy up there peed alot; 12km run cancelled LOL
thurs - 12km route march
fri - rot whole day in a freezing lecture room when i'm susposed to run 16km at ECP

so my initial plan of clocking a grand total distance of 48km in walking/running was dashed, instead only like 26km? Well still end up with blisters on my already-ravaged-by-footrot pair of feet :S sian lah now stare down at my poor feet, the original layer of skin like almost gone le but still add on another 2 blisters to the already raw and still recovering skin tmd...

and i cant foresee me surviving ex.cub, this coming mon to wed... Like how sia? footrot + blisters + back injury zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

my lu bu gundam was fixed up long ago and in a menacing pose on my desktop, but still very lazy to add on colours.. After all its the most complex one i've bought among the whole series.. Mmmm should i bring it to camp instead xD

today is a weird day; i just cant stop humming to the tune of this song, the same ol' song that has been part of my life ever since sec4

周杰伦:回到过去

一盏黄黄旧旧的灯
时间在旁闷不吭声
寂寞下手毫无分寸
不懂得轻重之分

沉默支撑跃过陌生
静静看着凌晨黄昏
你的身影失去平衡
慢慢下沉

黑暗已在空中盘旋
该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端
无法存活在
真实的空间

想回到过去
试着抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起
就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去
试着让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

思绪不断阻挡着回忆播放
盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁

想回到过去
试着抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起
就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去
试着让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

//Brandon struck at 10:31 PM\\

Sunday, July 13, 2008

ok so much for the 200th that i mentioned since the 189th... Then again i think this could be the most emo one in, say, 3 months? In 12 hours time i meeting some long-time-never-meet friends, still cant sleep though, so i guess i push forward this 200th instead of my initial decision of blogging next weekend..

Time flies, 7 months just passed by like that and i havent really accomplished much...

Army? Nah, still not promoted yet..

SJAB? Wanting to go back but its either having no courage or really using the excuse of no time..

Friends? Still alright catching up with a few marists and army people (like duh), add in 2 fitness outings once in awhile, and i havent seen my jc classmates for months! Maybe i should contact a few of them in the next few days..

Uni? Pretty much undecided about what to study, 'cos i really lost that primitive drive to study for now.. Thinking of courses give me headaches :S

and the most favourite question ever since entering army... the BGR topic

I really dont know what to say sia, ok lets face it, i broke up last sept, or oct? I couldnt be certain why though, but i only know one thing: i wasnt strong enough, mentally.. I couldnt tackle problems with a clear head; my life is just like a dream, it seems real but fake, it seems fake but real.. The clear line between reality and imagination is blurred all along. I always put in my best efforts, but somehow its either not enough or i completely missed the target that i thought otherwise in my own dreamy world.. i was selfish; at that period of time after bmt i thought i was the only one suffering and no one else, that i neglected the feelings of the closed ones around me.. i wanted care, i wanted concern, but i didnt realise then that others around me were also having the same wishes.. most importantly, i was too weak to protect the people i loved.. My pair of hands itself are always cold when they are needed to warm up another pair of hands; my shoulders are always too low for comfort; i dont possess the courage to stand up against anyone when things go wrong.. Basically, i'm weak, i dont deserve the honour of protecting someone you love with your life..

to say the truth i almost did end up losing some of the great friends i could find both in jc and army 'cos of the BGR saga, though some are lost already.. i almost lost my friends due to my carelessness and insensitiveness.. but i know, from the bottom of my heart, i've never regretted about anything during the short 1+ year of courtship.. i was so happy i wished it will never end, but it did.. i can ask for nothing else, but to continue in my mission to be a stronger and better person, and to pray that somehow time may heal all wounds... hasnt been able to return to the usual carefree brandon ever since...

or is he dead already? These few weekends i grew all emo just by broswing through my lame friendster profile; i've realised i'm still living in the past despite all my self-convincing efforts to just try looking forward (thx hweemin for tt).. i was disappointed 'cos i cant believe i would end up in such a state if i were to be the brandon 3 years ago.. Everything seemed perfect, a paradise i again wished that will never end, but i had to tear it down with my pair of bare hands... the 'carrot' and 'maths queen' at mshs, the spongebob at cjc, the lamest guy in sajc fitness... They are all dead... Distant memories that i should put it aside like old photo frames, only picking them up occasionally and smile to yourself, knowing that you were actually so happy once...

i guess that should be a good solution and my second step in being able to look forward.. But really, some lightbulbs just pop in my head suggesting why am i so emo now... For the past 7 months affter my father left us, i've been trying too hard to maintain a strong front; be it in front of army, mshs frens, jc frens, i can conjure up a smiling face somehow.. Guess its what you called 'emotion-overwhelmed syndrome'.. Rarely did i give myself a chance to actually isolate myself and release frustrations... LOL! is this 200th post considered too?

Tonight is a good time, alone in a bedroom, staring at the ceiling, filtering through the memories, deciding on my aims and objectives (at least until ORD [-_-] ) and last of all, deciding what to eat for lunch tmw =)

//Brandon struck at 12:05 AM\\

Friday, July 11, 2008

1 more to the 200th...

before i go to bed, today really was an enjoyable dinner

everyone was happy

i was happy

people are, or will be, feeling happy when they turn 20 this year

but

i guess i'm not celebrating when my turn reached

at least

not for this year

just like last year....

//Brandon struck at 11:13 PM\\

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Before the blogging commences, i must say this... I'M NOT GOING FOR ANOTHER BACK MASSAGE THERAPHY ANYMORE!!! or at least, JUST A MASSAGE WILL DO, NOT THE THERAPHY! The whole thing is quite whatever can, fancy placing HOT WATER BAGS on ur BACK and leave u alone, waving hands and legs frantically while lying on the bed.. TORTUROUS can? Imagine the pain building up as the time goes by, instead of your body accomodating to the water temperature.. Man, shouldnt have gotten this back injury, troublesome like fcuk and makes me feel like an old man every morning.. NOW MY BACK IS BURNT!! ARGHHHH

ok anyway, i've just realised a new worthless hobby beside wondering and gundams; and that's observing.. Must have watched too much gundam 00 series, i somehow became much like an observer nowadays lol.. Kinda refreshing, really, to just step back occasionally and observe Man as a whole; his Actions and Reactions, his Thinking etc etc... I dont know, but i kinda get a surprise result after being an observer for a few days, but at least is Singaporean Man, not the Man as a whole la haha.. Ok these observations are on neutral grounds to the best of my ability to write and type hahah... Pls dont take offence

1) Singaporean Man likes to find a Listener
Being a Listener it means someone who is willing to lend an ear, not for you to pull, but to listen to your sorrows and whatever crap. 'Willing' is the key word, 'cos sometimes that guy is quite unwilling but have no choice when he sees your desperate face or a pitiful voice.. Mmm maybe i'm not exactly a Listener but i fulfiled the critieria when the need arises; and i end up listening to bf-gf problems, family problems, but most of the time being 'best' friends that does not seem otherwise, people who confess to being not in good terms with someone, underneath the surface, but acting like friends superficially, complaints about their so-called spuerficially 'friends'.. Sigh really, if they wanna say Chicken Soup for the Singaporean Soul, i would say to hell with the cicken soup, its Listener for the Singaporean Soul.. But not everyone are good Listeners as i found out, which brings about the next observation:

2) Singaporean Man is freaking lousy in consoling
At least 80% of the 'Listeners' wannabe sucks at this, big time.. Say, you confide to a friend and you said, "Sian my gf quarelled with me over *something small*" and the common reply would be something like, "WAH LAU YOURS IS NOTHING LOH, last time me and my gf quarelled over *something slightly, just slightly, bigger* and we broke up... See i more chaam right?" Or another thing like, "Sian i failed SOC by 10secs leh.." and instead of asking you try harder the common reply would be something like, "WAH LAU YOURS IS NOTHING LOH, last time i failed by 3secs leh, i more chaam right?" I dont know, Singaporeans typically like to outshine each other but now they are trying to outshine each other on being more pitiful... Funny how life is, hor?

3)It's scary on how the Singaporean Man always want to benefit no one but himself
sad to say but that's the kind of environment i'm trying to survive in army right now.. Though not very obvious on the surface, it becomes frightfully clear if you stand back for awhile and observe.. Behind almost every action lies a deep motive, and that is to aim for himself to reap the most benefits he can from the situation.. Something like 'optimum level of benefits gained from the least possible amount of efforts'.. Though it's not an absolute fact but this sad stuffs still happen every now and then.. It seems that everyone only want to look out for themselves and ignore the rest, but can we say or do anything? Guess not, 'cos it's life already...

4) Singaporean Man really needs to look at the big picture
Never fails to surprise me how short-sighted my platoon-mates can be sometimes; they groan in 'pain' and frustration whenever arrows, or sai kang to a certain extent, hit them, but they just couldnt understand that a job needs to be done and, harshly put, no choice given for them to reject.. Even though sometimes i too couldnt get the rational and grumble 'cos it's really freaking meaningless arrows and sai kangs, i still cannot deny the fact that the job STILL has to be done no matter what..

But then again, i'm realising my 'big picture' is starting to shrink as the days fly by and the shit grows smellier and heavier.. Rank problem? Why am i slugging my life and enduring through my back injury when platoon-mates of higher rank arent contributing? i dont know, really...

Oh wells, here comes the Exercise Bear 2

//Brandon struck at 9:39 PM\\