//...strike!...\\

Thursday, September 08, 2005

It's not that i want to announce my plight to the whole world just to gain pity or sympathy or what... I just don't know what to do now, after hearing my mum and brother discussing the financial status of my family.... I want to find something that i can pour out all my troubling thoughts here, but i don't mind if i'm being viewed as a damn ****ing sympathy seeker, i couldn't care less now.........

i knew it was coming, but in reality i'm just running away, don't want to face it... as i expected, the cracks are finally appearing in my family after a somehow peaceful and calm period of time when nothing happened.... my dad, i think, he's suffering from depression... i thought i could have saw it coming, i mean having him spending virtually the whole day alone in our flat doing nothing but housework, watch TV, occasionally cycling along the same route again and again? And it doesn't help that my schedule is packed like sardine and my brother is transferred into a new camp, which is very inconvenient for us to fetch and have dinner together... Recently my family (excluding me, i was at AGI) went shopping for a new mattress and as usual, we over-shot our budget... We came home with a home sound theatre system, 1 new cabinet for shoes and a new mattress.... Just a few moments ago when i thought i can end tonight in the sweetest way possible, i ended up in the middle of the financial meeting and finally realised how heavy our expenditure is.... To me it's like as though i have a company manager with hefty salary as a dad, but reality struck me hard... My mom IS the breadwinner, working as a clerk in NTUC Income... Both of them are sighing over the heavy expenditure we estimated, n usually estimation is well below the actual one....

Actually i resemble my dad the most. Both of us have high pride (his higher, mine not so high), often endure pains and sufferings silently... I can still remember when I'm sec2, i was impatiently and foolishly waiting to go to my friend's house, but he had a severe stomachache... On seeing my disappointment, he rest aside his pain and sent me all the way to Hougang, enduring it and enduring it.... Not longer after he left me at the destination, 2 hours later my mom called, he's hospitalised... Later i found out he had a hole at his large intestine, which is the source of intense pain... I really regret up to this day, my behaviour and my bochupness.... The next few years saw his health getting worse and worse, until he had cancer... But the most ****ed up thing is, my WHOLE family never ever told me the real situation... I only know my dad is sick, unable to work, fullstop. ARRRGGGHH!!!!

Now he is on a spending frenzy, spending on 4Ds, food and surplus furnitures.... I don't know, but after watching so many serials i thought it's obvious it's depression... If i were him i would burst long ago.... Now my brother is calling for an emmergency family meeting tmw, my dad's pride will surely take a beating, especially with suspected depression.... I really hope everything will be fine tmw, nothing dramatic will happen... My vision of this screen kept blurring on and off, there's ticklish trails of water running down my face... I really.... Just don't know what to say, what to do... i wish i could help but how? i cant quit JC and work now, it would create more worries and troubles... I cant go to poly, too late... Help......

Looks like another sleeplesss night for me....

//Brandon struck at 2:55 PM\\