//...strike!...\\

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wasn't planning to post another 1, maybe the 3rd in 1 week I guess... This blog is fast becoming my Boulevard of Broken Dreams, where all my saddest moments are captured here. Oh well, won't be too long until someone got irritated and accuse me of deliberately gaining sympathy votes or something... Last night... I wonder how did I manage to emerged unscathed and able to write this into here. I remember my mom always teach me that words hurt people more than fists, but I just couldn't understand when she's always the one hurting me with her words, as well as my unpredictable brother of mine... In her mind I'm forever an useless son that brings nothing but troubles. Just a few weeks ago I was so 'enlightened', but it turned out to be so short-lived. For the first time, suicidal thoughts began sinking in last night when I'm waiting for the machine to finish washing clothes...

I stared down my 10th storey flat, my mind kept repeating the words she said earlier, " See, even a doctor know I'm so stressed until I can die, but those who ought to know still don't know... " I sighed. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do, I'll still be the most useless guy in my home. In random mode, Linkin Park's "In The End" sprung from my mp3 into my ear.

"I've tried so hard,
and got so far...
In the end,
it doesn't even matter..."

I had so much thoughts, it is impossible to write everything out now, much I would like to. In summary I had so much grudges in everything in my life, I'm bursting sooner or later. Dejected, I decided to sms my buddy Sandy.

"Wad's the taste of smokin a cigarrette? Feel lyk tryin 1 but dunno how to get a packet of it now..." he said he smoked before, but I don't really believe him, but still I asked

" Y "

"Dunno leh, now life abit meaningless leh, maybe a cigarrette mite able to light up abit..."

"Wad's so meaningless abt life? u want den go mama shop buy. dun smoke better. smoking is jus a wa of deceiving urself tt u have solved de prob. it create de mentality tt once u smoked u solved the prob. if u really want smoke den mus noe how to control. anyway meaningless life is be stupidest reason to smoke."

"Ha.. I juz wanna find something i can do while stuck in tis hse... Smoking causes cancer, better still so tt life can end faster..."

"Haha. guess everyone got a different reason to smoke. just go slp and tml everything will b fine. eh promoised my coach to slp early 4 tml match. tok tml."

-_- what a way to end the conversation. Irony, huh? I'm in Fitness Club and yet I wanted to smoke. Somehow it just give me the feeling that smoking may be able to ease some of the pain I'm getting now. Sigh, I guess the grouchy me will stay in this home, even though life may not be enjoyable I'm putting a brave and cheerful front. For now.

//Brandon struck at 2:34 PM\\