//...strike!...\\

Sunday, July 13, 2008

ok so much for the 200th that i mentioned since the 189th... Then again i think this could be the most emo one in, say, 3 months? In 12 hours time i meeting some long-time-never-meet friends, still cant sleep though, so i guess i push forward this 200th instead of my initial decision of blogging next weekend..

Time flies, 7 months just passed by like that and i havent really accomplished much...

Army? Nah, still not promoted yet..

SJAB? Wanting to go back but its either having no courage or really using the excuse of no time..

Friends? Still alright catching up with a few marists and army people (like duh), add in 2 fitness outings once in awhile, and i havent seen my jc classmates for months! Maybe i should contact a few of them in the next few days..

Uni? Pretty much undecided about what to study, 'cos i really lost that primitive drive to study for now.. Thinking of courses give me headaches :S

and the most favourite question ever since entering army... the BGR topic

I really dont know what to say sia, ok lets face it, i broke up last sept, or oct? I couldnt be certain why though, but i only know one thing: i wasnt strong enough, mentally.. I couldnt tackle problems with a clear head; my life is just like a dream, it seems real but fake, it seems fake but real.. The clear line between reality and imagination is blurred all along. I always put in my best efforts, but somehow its either not enough or i completely missed the target that i thought otherwise in my own dreamy world.. i was selfish; at that period of time after bmt i thought i was the only one suffering and no one else, that i neglected the feelings of the closed ones around me.. i wanted care, i wanted concern, but i didnt realise then that others around me were also having the same wishes.. most importantly, i was too weak to protect the people i loved.. My pair of hands itself are always cold when they are needed to warm up another pair of hands; my shoulders are always too low for comfort; i dont possess the courage to stand up against anyone when things go wrong.. Basically, i'm weak, i dont deserve the honour of protecting someone you love with your life..

to say the truth i almost did end up losing some of the great friends i could find both in jc and army 'cos of the BGR saga, though some are lost already.. i almost lost my friends due to my carelessness and insensitiveness.. but i know, from the bottom of my heart, i've never regretted about anything during the short 1+ year of courtship.. i was so happy i wished it will never end, but it did.. i can ask for nothing else, but to continue in my mission to be a stronger and better person, and to pray that somehow time may heal all wounds... hasnt been able to return to the usual carefree brandon ever since...

or is he dead already? These few weekends i grew all emo just by broswing through my lame friendster profile; i've realised i'm still living in the past despite all my self-convincing efforts to just try looking forward (thx hweemin for tt).. i was disappointed 'cos i cant believe i would end up in such a state if i were to be the brandon 3 years ago.. Everything seemed perfect, a paradise i again wished that will never end, but i had to tear it down with my pair of bare hands... the 'carrot' and 'maths queen' at mshs, the spongebob at cjc, the lamest guy in sajc fitness... They are all dead... Distant memories that i should put it aside like old photo frames, only picking them up occasionally and smile to yourself, knowing that you were actually so happy once...

i guess that should be a good solution and my second step in being able to look forward.. But really, some lightbulbs just pop in my head suggesting why am i so emo now... For the past 7 months affter my father left us, i've been trying too hard to maintain a strong front; be it in front of army, mshs frens, jc frens, i can conjure up a smiling face somehow.. Guess its what you called 'emotion-overwhelmed syndrome'.. Rarely did i give myself a chance to actually isolate myself and release frustrations... LOL! is this 200th post considered too?

Tonight is a good time, alone in a bedroom, staring at the ceiling, filtering through the memories, deciding on my aims and objectives (at least until ORD [-_-] ) and last of all, deciding what to eat for lunch tmw =)

//Brandon struck at 12:05 AM\\