//...strike!...\\

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Today at MNO lecture i had an unexpected phrase that jolted some brain cells in me, and so i'm here blogging, right after maths mid terms, and yes i did tell a few people, notably dipsy and jason that i'm not coming online 'cos too shagged... But this sentence is worth the effort to blog about, even the tiredness and the 2 midterms tomorrow lol...

"Trust entails the willingness to be vulnerable"

and i just realised my maths midterm got only 2 confirmed right, means minimum 2 points but probably that would be my score, sian... Maybe studying in the wrong direction? Zzzz to the max..

Anyway, the statement is rather true, isnt it? We tend to reveal more about ourselves to people we trust.. I mean, not literally reveal in terms of clothes but in terms of your background, character etc etc.. As people progress from strangers to friends we disclose part of our lives and laugh at our own weaknesses as we share among the group; we gradually know more about each other, their likes and dislikes, their attitudes, the portion of behaviour we dont like about each other etc.. Maybe 'cos i tend to trust people too easily, i sort of leak much of my characteristics, good and bad, rather cheaply.. Sometimes it earns me some friends and accidental popularity, which i really never intend to earn anyway; sometimes it helps me to realise the darker side of some people i thought were initially ok but took advantage of my weakness and build on it, thus earning some unwanted attention..

i dont know now, am i considered attention-deprived? I always recognise my biggest weakness is my failure to consider politics inside any relationships, friends family etc.. I almost certainly fail to consider the side-effects of whatever actions i make, and that doesnt even include the 'stirring shit' kind of stuffs, which i know is just for fun but what i'm more wary of is the stuffs that i DONT hear.. Which is why i just couldnt do a good job in showing mask A to the people i like and mask B to another group of people, and mask C to people i dont like.. I'm pretty much what-u-see-is-what-u-get kind of person, though i at times really dislike this characteristic of mine... Am i in the wrong place of this world? Is my character unsuitable for a place here?

Perhaps what everyone has been trying to tell me is true, wake up u naive boy, the world is darker than it seems though it's bright and sunny and enjoyable but it really isnt... But then again, what ulterior motives can i hide? A person broken into pieces and still in the process of fixing up after 2 years cant really do something sinister, right?

Something inside me just says, "do whatever you think is right and fits your moral values, and you have nothing to hide, and nothing to answer for..."

I think maybe i'm not really suitable for giving tuition, lol maybe i read too much but the maths midterms said alot about my preparations and my illusion on how ready i'm for anything...

back to the books, but first its sleeping time =/

//Brandon struck at 12:09 AM\\

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

stressed spelt backwards becomes 'DESSERTS'

mug spelt backwards becomes 'GUM'

studying spelt backwards becomes..... well i dont know lol

Really sia, when my friend wondered to me why do i think that i'm lagging in my studies when i'm clocking almost 500% more time than him in school, and for a moment i cant think of a good reason.. Am i studying hard but not studying smart? Or am I in the wrong course? Either way when i reflect back and do one of my favourite hobby: pondering, i realised how much time is spent in school compared to home.. Cant help it but the letharginess just took over when i reached home and really, i dont have much energy to talk... Maybe some short replies here and there and that's it.. Sometimes i wonder, is this uni life?

Further ponderation (hmmm weird england lol) digs up more revelation; maybe i should look more at myself than to be so readily pointing fingers at stuffs around me.. If i ran out of energy, all the more i have to dig deeper to find new sources; if i ran out of ideas, all the more i should prod deeper to think of more.. But when the heart's willing, the body refuse to cooperate and gave up.. OH man really am grateful i got a thursday freeee hahah, not sure if its worth having it but i just so so gonna enjoy my FREEEE thursday sleeeeeping at home lol...

give me some gum to mug, and desserts when i'm stressed...

//Brandon struck at 10:21 PM\\

Friday, September 04, 2009

Fated, just after i handed up my mno tutorial which is exactly of the same question, something cropped up and made me furiously angry for the first time in like months... How do i describe, pushing away so many events and skipping the first FOC meeting, just to end up receiving the call that my tutee was sick and tuition was cancelled... Immediately i went up to kovan to purchase some gundam painting stuffs and tried buying slippers unsuccessfully, halfway through my mom called me up, then i realised i had made a wrong move today.. Instead of going up to indulge in my last minute planned shopping spree i should have went to the temple together with my mom..

Oh, so blinded by anger i actually forgotten about my dad...

Which is why i hated feeling anger; it covers ur eyes from the important stuffs that you have to do... Precisely that reason i've been trying hard to change myself from an angst-filled kid to someone better, to learn that everything happens for a reason and keep that rising temper under constraint as i search for explanations and answers to every imperfections this society can offer.. But at times when i failed badly i'm often engulfed by a sea of guilt, wishing that things had never happen, wishing that i could find some answers, wishing that i could have done better...

and so i finally completed painting a model i'm stuck at since uni life officially started, in which the process was filled with guilt and frustration..

Lately everything at home isnt very smooth; i could sense rising waves beneath the calm ocean.. Even so i feel like a grain of sand, totally powerless to do anything besides knowing that one day the ocean might burst open and conjure up a violent scene, and can only hope that it will subside when the chaos start...

in memory i remember
all the peaceful times i've enjoyed at home
all the laughters and jokes i had with friends
all the tough times i went through, with family and friends
all the mistakes so that in hope i would not repeat them foolishly again

my my, i think the consecutive days of mugging have already taken its toll; guess i'll take a break tonight so that i can clock in more days of mugging in the year ahead..

keep on running

//Brandon struck at 9:31 PM\\